⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
As opposed to Beaks: the Ride and Beaks: the Fine Dining Experience here’s Beaks: the Movie. If Hitchcock had been a crackhead instead of an abusive misogynist, this is the film he would have unleashed on the world. Instead, Rene Cardona Jr gave us this shit show in the late eighties. Does that make RCJ Hitchcock on crack? Probably. The opening avian murder of a hang glider sets you up perfectly for just how stupid things are going to get. Some dork named Alan gets his eyeball ripped out while gracefully riding the wind, the accident causes him to crash onto a beach, most likely dying on impact. His special lady friend manages to fight off the murderous hawk and... ROLL CREDITS! A farmer gets his ass attacked by the loyalist of farm animals, chickens, and intrepid reporter Vanessa is on the scene. Treating it as bullshit and hungry for a story that suits her caliber of education, Vanessa begins to dig a little deeper. She comes to realize the bird attack is no isolated incident and our feathered friends have decided they’ve had enough! It’s not the first time it’s happened either. Thirty years ago a town was attacked in Rome and Vanessa realizes she’s fallen into the scoop of her life. Many an eyeball is snatched from a socket and we see an unsettling amount of birds get murdered on screen as the reporter and her cameraman bumble around the world like a couple of idiots, courting a beak and talon themed death by attempting to save the world from a war with the winged army. There’s a one-eyed man convinced the birds are stalking him, homicidal pigeons, New Yorkers, the best birthday party I’ve ever witnessed and a whole bunch of bad decision making. It’s Mexi-horror that feels far more akin to a spaghetti nightmare. Hell, if I wasn’t familiar with Cardona Jr’s output I would swear this had the lovely stank of Mattei all over it... that’s high praise in my book.
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