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At a classy Swiss boarding school, Jennifer Corwin (teenage Jennifer Connelly, even then outclassing her peers) awkwardly deals with the usual bullies (maybe the lamest in film history), fits of sleepwalking, a bitchy headmistress (smoke-show Dalila Di Lazaro) and the unusual ability to telepathically communicate with insects and psychically witness some nasty murders. According to the local entomologist, Professor John McGregor (a game Donald Pleasance doing a shaky Scottish impression… I think), it is perfectly normal for insects to be slightly telepathic. He is the expert, after all. Insect telepathy and teenage awkwardness aside, a string of brutal murders have been plaguing the area and our hero is tasked by her friend the good professor with using her abilities to get to the bottom of things. He’s been helping the police force with the murders and is pretty damn keen to get things solved after the life of one of his favorite students was taken. If this sounds slightly off-kilter… it is but it certainly gets more insane as it runs towards the finish. The professor has a pet chimpanzee named Inga who proves to be proficient with a straight razor, the completely lovely Daria Nicolodi is Jennifer’s legal guardian (her actor father is away filming something in the Philippines) Frau Brückner who has a disturbing secret and a horribly disfigured dwarf (and not a “normal” disfigurement either, this is like a disfigurement that lands on a scale between zombie and mutant) proves to be the madman behind the impressively vicious slayings. Of course, Argento’s keen eye presents things in a disgustingly gorgeous fashion and an abrasive soundtrack keeps the viewer on some shaky ground. Don’t go in looking for logic and just enjoy a style of ridiculous corruption nobody has ever been able to fake. Hell, Argento even had a hard time faking it himself in later movies… even if I’m a larger fan of those dumb outings than most of the population. The opening scissor murder and decapitation sets the scene for what to expect but the nearly two-hour runtime does feel a bit unnecessary even if it doesn’t really drag anywhere. I’m also not sure how well the metal music provided by Iron Maiden and Motörhead actually works when it’s included, it’s not my scene so I don’t know if it’s just my personal taste leading me to feeling its completely out of place. I’ll leave that to the actual fans to decide. The other music is solid and gets more time in the film, so I’m good all in all. There’s awkward acting, an amazing Bee Gees top I will forever be jealous of not owning (and I’m not even a big fan of the trio), the excited exclamation of “Richard Gere!”, a fly attack via psychic abilities, a helpful fly detecting the location of the murderer, a disgusting body pit and a completely satisfying comeuppance via pissed-off chimp. Don’t let anyone blow smoke up your ass and tell you it’s high art. It may look wonderful but this is the typically atypical semi-sleazy horror ridiculousness an Argento with the power to let loose unleashed in the 80s. Yes. That is a very good thing.
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