A PR nightmare awaits the most dangerous school in the world when a needlessly life-threatening tournament is held at Hogwarts to crown the world’s most bestest wizard (age 17-18). Of course, the underage Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe looking the most like Rachel Dratch he’s ever looked) is entered into the damn thing and he and his god-awful haircut stumble into victory at every turn. You’d think somebody would directly tell this “chosen one” what to do but I guess that’s not how the Wizarding World of Harry Potter™️ works. The shiny vampire kid who would one day be Batman is also there and he gets murdered by a finally fully-resurrected bald reptile man with one hell of a grudge. Scheming was afoot from the start to get Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes, who is clearly having the time of his life) back into action and the idiots played right into it. Brendan Gleeson plays the new certifiably insane teacher (with an obvious case of PTSD who should be nowhere near children) who takes a shine to Harry and steals every scene he’s given, David Tenant is wonderful as one of the villains but gets like two minutes of screen time, Roger Lloyd Pack is also underutilized as the man from the government monitoring the tournaments and the usual side characters are all a bit more interesting than Harry and his gang of wieners. There’s dragons, mer-people (look like fish but they hiss like people), an awkward dance, a wonky eye, a really horny ghost, one big bitch, foreigners and more plot devices from the bigoted and lazy mind of J.K. Rowling. Again, we’re reminded of how much worse off we are now that Alan Rickman has shuffled this mortal coil.
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