⭐️⭐️1/2
Some mildly attractive dopes get their mildly attractive asses marooned on an uncharted island as youthful revelries lead to inevitable boating accidents. Instead of just waiting for the natural elements and the survival instincts of an unwatched toddler to finish off the goons, a tribe of cannibalistic throwbacks are doing God’s work and taking out the intruders. The lovely Jewel Staite is our hero Liz and I’m just fine with that… it’s the Serenity affinity working its magic. She may be a complete bitch for all I know but I’m blind to it. To the surprise of absolutely no one she’s the only likable member of the group. Her boyfriend is a manipulative cheater, Kellen Lutz is kind of a prick, some chubby dude is obnoxious and his blonde girly is a bit of a gold digger. They’re not purely awful so it’s easier to spend time with them but if I had a choice I would never go anywhere with this group… except for Kaylee Frye… excuse me, Liz. Anyways. There’s a bad boat accident and they end up shipwrecked on an island. It is gorgeous and luckily the boat’s radio made it onto the island with them and they’re able to reach out to the friend they were going to meet up with. Dude is not happy they sunk his boat and he claims there is no island at the coordinates he’s been given. Realizing they’ll be waiting for a bit, tempers flare. It gets worse when Liz is convinced she encountered something big and ornery hiding in the foliage. After a proposal and some partying, the group camps down by the fire and passes out. The next day hits and Liz’s boyfriend is gone, all that’s left is a puddle of blood and drag marks leading into the jungle. He wakes up not knowing where the hell he is and having a hard time moving thanks to a leg wound courtesy of some primitive weaponry. Liz and Lutz head into the jungle to look for their friend and the other two begrudgingly join them when a threat with a gun prevents them from taking the raft to go look for help. The monkey men get their monkey paws on the blonde and the chunky rich guy gets his chunky paws on the gun. Neither of them are long for this world. Liz and Lutz find a convenient journal at a camp that was set up decades ago for research purposes and it fills them in on the inhabitants of the island. The monsters look a lot like the Uruk-hai’s more simian cousins, which is nice because it doesn’t require any cgi. Costumed creeps for the win! It’s fine for what it is but it never exactly bodes well for a film when you can go get housework done and not really miss much.
No comments:
Post a Comment