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A wiener kid named Harry Potter is rescued from his Dickensian nightmare home life with the revelation that he’s a wizard and he’s set to go to the magical school for wizards called Hogwarts. Little dude is legendary in magic circles because of an attack by some bald freaky snake-like wizard which left him an orphan (why he’s living with his terrible aunt and uncle) but mysteriously still alive with only a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. Voldemort (snake-lookin’ creep) supposedly died after failing to assassinate a baby but now he’s trying to make his way back by whatever sneaky means necessary. Potter makes more wiener friends at his new school and some enemies including some posh asshole kid by the name of Draco Malfoy and a deliberately untrustworthy teacher named Snape played by the much-missed Alan Rickman. The kids aren’t great at acting but the stacked cast of old pros providing performances for the characters in the periphery are a fuckin’ treat. A bunch of the weak plot can be blamed on J.K. Rowling shrugging and saying “Magic?”. Birthed a whole-ass movie franchise that I begrudgingly fell in love with and now treat as comfort food along with my wife who is always down to watch. Weak digital effects and some horrifying teeth (lookin’ at you Slytherin) distract but Maggie Smith (deeply missed as well) kicks some serious ass as an old witch, Robbie Coltrane (also deeply missed) is great as the Hogwarts groundskeeper and friend to Potter and there’s more than a few ghosts and monsters hanging around. Blink and you’ll miss John Hurt as a wand seller but we’ll see him again “at the close”.
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