Half piranha. Half anaconda. 100% silly. Scientists led by herpetologist Michael Madsen get their hands on the unholy hybrid’s eggs, which makes them a target for the hungry monster and this is bad news for the cast and crew of filmmakers shooting a slasher film in the middle of the Hawaiian jungle. Piranhaconda don’t give two fucks about your innocence… damn thing is just pissed as all hell. After the creature wipes out his team and his helicopter pilot, Professor Lovegrove (Madsen) is pretty fucked. Did I mention the team of mercenaries led by a real asshole named Pike keeping a close eye on the filmmakers? No? That’s odd. Well, the professor wanders into their base of operations and Pike laughs off his warnings of the apex predator stalking the jungle. The mercenaries are there to hold the film stars hostage for a big payoff and they’re not gonna let some herpetologist’s crazy tale of a river demon ruin their scheme. Did I mention the trio of young honeys searching for a mythological flower with curative abilities called the ghost orchid? I didn’t? That’s odd. Well, they find the flowers and are immediately eaten… so I guess I could have left them unmentioned. A stunt man and effects man escape while the others get grabbed and may be their only hope for escape. Did I mention the vacationing couple? She’s got some large breasts and he’s a complete dork. I didn’t? Weird. Well, they go off to a private beach and don’t make it. Really didn’t need to mention them. There’s an escape, a chase, a gunfight and a big-ass monster eating everyone. It’s not as fun as some of its brethren and feels a little more like it was made as a tax write off instead of just suckering a production company to pay for a tropical vacation. Jasmin Poncelet performs the surf-rock songs about the titular beastie and they’re pretty horrifying for the old ear holes. There’s some of the worst digital blood splatter you’ll see on this side of a SyFy channel original and more than a couple chesty ladies available to come face-to-bewbs with the computer-generated reptile-fish. Michael Madsen got himself a short Hawaiian vacation out of it and I think we can all agree the man deserved it.
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