⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Hey there, Olaf Ittenbach… it’s been awhile. I wonder if you’ve changed… no? Well, I guess there’s something positive to say for predictability. Historical epics and horror don’t often mix well and normal-minded folks probably wouldn’t even try it but we’re sitting down with Mr. Ittenbach and there is nothing normal here. Premutos is the first of the fallen angels (so you just go and eat a dick, Lucifer) and his main goal is to rule over the world and all its denizens both living and dead. Throughout history his son had cleared the way for him and is recognized as a monster, although he’s just kind of a well-meaning dope in over his head. In present-day Germany, a young man is having flashbacks to his past lives as the son of Premutos. We get a lot of this through narration and various acts of graphic violence play out on the screen and we also learn of some outcast in the 1940s attempting to use witchcraft to bring his deceased wife back to life. He buries something and even though he has only a portion of the recipe for whatever dark potion he’s working on, he moves forward anyways. It kind of works but seconds after she gets back up, she tears her face off and explodes. It’s at this time the locals come to slaughter him but a couple get taken out by a ridiculous pickaxe accident and a reanimated skeleton before finally gunning down the poor bastard. They then burn the shack down but because they’re idiots, they also set fire to the mayor’s son (the mayor was the idiot who got a pickaxe to the noggin)… oops. We’re not even fifteen minutes in. We finally jump to the present and join klutzy Olaf Ittenbach (not looking all that different than he did in Black Past) as he goes about his day. Ittenbach’s papa (not Premutos, his human papa) is celebrating his birthday by doing some planting and he happens to dig up that crate we saw the outcast bury in the opening of the flick. Inside this crate is a strange old book and some kind of yellow potion. Ittenbach goes to play some football and gets his penis injured while playing goalie. I mention this, because after he arrives home he struggles with the pain of his injured manhood and accidentally spills the yellow potion on himself. They never mention this scenario when talking about the importance of genital protection during athletic endeavors. Of course, he transforms into a mutated monster and brings an army of the undead with him which is bad news for the small gathering at the family home for papa’s birthday. The horrific violence is edged out by some hilarious line-reading and acting (at least, in the English dub which I was advised was way more enjoyable) and some ridiculous comedy that either works or fails so hard that it somehow works more than it should. It’s inspired insanity from a man who would be considered dangerous if he wasn’t laughing at himself as he lets his splatter love play out in front of the camera like Bruno Mattei if he were a German forest sprite. Now, there is a bunch going on but it’s still way too long and spends plenty of time with characters we just don’t give two shits about and even though the wet action is prevalent, it’s still awkwardly paced and just a bit too stilted to be called thrilling. Even with that working against it, the enthusiasm is so thick you can taste it so it’s much easier to forgive. I guess what I’m saying is; it’s just as good and exhausting as every other Olaf Ittenbach flick you’ve seen… so sometimes predictability is just what ya needed.
No comments:
Post a Comment