Pterodactyl (2022) (UK)

⭐️1/2 

Following a nasty breakup, a woman and her friend go on a hiking weekend in a particularly dreary patch of English countryside. They’re almost immediately attacked by shit-cgi pteranodons. Worried sick, her sister tracks her to where her sibling’s backpacking adventure was going down and drags four friends/acquaintances with her (among them Chrissie Wunna, who I keep seeing in these shit UK monster flicks… so I’m a fan). They arrive at the local inn and the prison-hunky innkeeper doesn’t offer much info aside from his claim that the girls left days ago and he hasn’t heard from them since. Diedre goes to the police with her concerns but gets brushed off again. Hmmmmmm. Seems like the locals may be conspiring. Frustrated, Diedre convinces her friends/acquaintances to stay the night and look for her sister in the morning. The dinos pick off some of the gals, the constable helps to keep things secret (he’s not above murdering) and there’s some bullshit about the shopkeeper and the cop being the “keepers of the wyvern”. There’s plenty of footage featuring flying dinosaurs and more than a couple laughably bad attacks by the titular beasties but every bit of it is so below par you may wonder if you accidentally popped some Quaaludes before ya sat down to watch. The gaggle of gals range from unlikable to forgettable and I’m biased towards Ms. Wunna so she may have been just as awful as our hero for all I know. It could have been fun but it seemed like nobody really gave a shit about how much the viewer would enjoy themselves. At least it had the balls to show off its creatures, no matter how inept they may be.

The Abominable Snowman (1957) (UK)

aka The Snow Creature

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

English botanist John Rollason (Peter Cushing) is studying rare mountain herbs with his wife Helen and associate Peter in the Himalayas. Along comes an American, Tom Friend (Forrest Tucker), who is more showman than scientist and against the wishes of all levelheaded individuals (his wife and the High Lama at the lamasery Cushing has set up base at), John goes off with Tom on his expedition to hunt down the elusive yeti. Rollason is lured out under the belief of scientific advancement but Friend’s intention is far more exploitive than the kindhearted doctor can stomach. Friction and death follow. The benign creatures (well, until those human bastards kill one of their own) are kind of goofy looking when finally revealed but luckily have a nice air of menace (and some supernatural abilities to boot) while they’re kept mostly offscreen. Cushing and Tucker are excellent in their respective rolls and the Nigel Kneale script is wonderfully mature. The hard work put into the set design manages to convince the audience that our heroes are wandering around the icy mountains with a threat remaining just outside of their line of sight. Helen remains on the sideline for most of the runtime, worrying about her husband, until she says “fuck it!” and heads out to rescue his bony English ass.

Vampire Brides (1994) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Thrown out by her boyfriend and crashing at the house of her exercise-enthusiast friend, a young woman hooks up with some hunk she meets at the bar. Of course, he’s a bargain-basement vampire but he kicks her out before his sinister urges leave her drained and undead. He immediately regrets his heroics and sends his zombie slave after her. She gets snatched up and wakes up tied to a chair in some shitty basement where she finds out the dude she just had a lame sex dream about is a 500-year-old vampire who wants her as a mate for the rest of her human life. The vampire feeds on some familiar faces, the heroine’s mother has a sex dream involving her daughter and the zombie and the film limps along, littered with repetition and “special” effects. It’s a W.A.V.E. production so you should know what kind of garbage you’re getting into. Warbled audio, stage play production value, extended stretching, an instrumental butt-rock soundtrack when not dwelling in 90’s porno music, novelty vampire teeth that barely cover real teeth, plentiful fondling, bound women and eroticism somewhere on the opposite side of erotic. SOV trash from one of the more entrepreneurial purveyors of such detriment is exactly what it sets out to be, your level of enjoyment fully depends on how much fun you have in this area of the dumpster.

FrightWorld (2006) (USA)

⭐️1/2

The ghost of a serial killer who harnesses some dark juju is connected to the remnants of the old FrightWorld Amusement Park. These pieces of the place are stored in a dilapidated warehouse where said madman dragged himself after violently dispatching several police officers before succumbing to his shotgun-inflicted injuries. The credits follow and various special effects and ghoulies are displayed as the names hit the screen. I’ve seen this film runs longer than 100 minutes and I’m starting to realize nobody was around to tell the filmmakers “no.” This could lead to a butt-numbing time… but we’ll see. A brief history of the amusement park follows and then we join nine idiots checking out that warehouse from the opening. One of the derps has purchased the building with plans to reopen FrightWorld and they’re all there to have a little celebration. They’re all horny and they’re all annoying and only a couple of them can actually act. Drinking, blunts and cigarettes are part of the revelries set to awful Nu metal and then a tour is given by FrightWorld’s new owner. The least-seductive striptease this side of a rural Wisconsin strip club also takes up way more time than necessary. A string of sex scenes set to music that sounds like Evanescence if Amy Lee were a cat with throat cancer follows and they’re about as erotic as watching your best friend drown in three feet of water. Don’t worry, if sex scenes aren’t your thing, there’s also a serious conversation about a woman’s virginity delivered by an actress who seems more bored than anything. Wait. Nope. This leads to another sex scene on the opposite side of titillating. I’m close to tapping out. After multiple stops in the bone zone, the dead killer finally resurrects (I’m not even going to say that it’s set to wretched music, from here on out just assume every scene will be showcasing the kind of tunes that make you want stab yourself in the ears) for reasons I’m not too clear on but whatever, at least something is finally happening that’s not boring sex and partying. The only actress I like (and that’s not for good reasons, her line delivery makes her sound like a Valley girl who took a sledgehammer blow to the noggin) wanders off to pee in the corner of one of the fright show rooms. She sits down and talks to some of the creepy clown art and starts to masturbate. I think she’s attacked by some clowns, I don’t know, it’s not clear. I do know the guy she just banged wakes up to what he thinks is her giving him a blowie and as he’s about to climax, his wiener gets bitten off and a ridiculous amount of blood gushes on him from off-screen. People begin to realize things ain’t right and one of the girls knows the score because she actually survived the killer’s reign of terror all them years ago. They’re trapped inside with no power and a supernatural killer hellbent on slaughtering their dumb asses. Stress levels rise and everyone turns on each other because why should this not be annoying as all hell. There’s plenty of wandering around under-lit locations and the killer pops in every so often to take out another dink or disguise himself as one of the other dinks. This shit just drags on and on and on with not enough splatter to justify it dragging ass all over the place. With nine victims available to meet their maker, that’s impressive in how misjudged it is. Especially since some of the dead can come back to get killed again. How did you blow this? You’re drowning in the kind of Nu metal that would have you begging for someone to throw on Spineshank and “treated” to extended ogling of the spook-show props for the majority of the runtime. This thing could have been a mildly entertaining and wet garbage slasher if someone just cut out like thirty or forty fuckin’ minutes.

Island Claws (1980) (USA)

aka Giant Claws/Night of the Claws

⭐️⭐️

I’m in love with the idea of monstrous crabs. Crabs are one of the creepiest and coolest lookin’ creatures on earth, so I can easily buy into the terror of a gigantic crustacean snapping people in half with its colossal claws. Hell, crabs are so damn alien in appearance I would be perfectly happy with a barrage of regular-ass crabs swarming dopes or those majestic and horrifying coconut crabs taking out Floridians. Fuck me, these things are otherworldly. You take that very fifties vibe and throw it into the excess of the eighties horror genre and I’m practically doing a jig on my living room table as my wife finishes packing her bags and finally leaves my idiot ass. So why does an eighties movie about killer crabs make me fall asleep? We know the eighties could do fifties monster movies correctly. Look at the gross The Blob remake and the wonderfully icky The Nest. Why did they have to fumble with killer crabs? Possibly taking the inspiration from Guy N. Smith’s wonderfully scuzzy series that started with Night of the Crabs and giving him no credit whatsoever, a biological experiment involving the lingering threat of world food shortages leads to some bad business. Dr. McNeil (Barry Nelson) is developing a method to accelerate the growth cycle in marine life at his island lab and the crabs are taking to it better than any other species. Since it’s the Florida coast, you better believe a nearby nuclear spill (which is, naturally, being covered up) has done something to the surrounding waters. Now the size is hitting a dangerously rapid speed and running parallel with a violent aggressiveness in the crab population. A wonderful climax involving the giant monster finally attacking the small coastal town necessitates sitting through an opening stretch that feels like a particularly boring tele-drama which had access to a far-from-sober Robert Lansing and a bunch of crabs. Instead of giant crab attacks the film features townsfolk bickering, the lovely Nita Talbot as a local bartender, a romance subplot between a lab assistant and a pretty photojournalist (her dad is a big shit at the power plant and has a history with local tavern owner Moody) that takes up more time than necessary, plenty of normal crab footage, a small town atmosphere that actually made me hate small towns (thanks, Florida), an empty subplot involving Haitian refugees getting blamed for local issues (just like the real Florida!) and Robert Lansing delivering an Irish accent that sounds like no dialect I’ve heard… maybe East Ireland by way of Albanian with a broken jaw? Local color is shit-stain brown and ten minutes in you’ll be saying to yourself “God, crabs need to eat everybody asap.” Although it is Florida so I’d be saying that anyways. Every character is either a blurry and forgettable haze of caucasian or a memorable and racist form of caucasian unless you’re among the (ahem) celebrities I already mentioned. There is a lovable dog that doesn’t make it and you at least feel some sympathy for the Haitians because they had the misfortune of ending up in Florida. Someday having problem crabs will be a grand old time ya just can’t wait to share with friends and family, today is not that day.

Malignant (2021) (USA/China)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

What. In. The. Actual. Fuck. James Wan’s flick opens up at a research facility back in ‘93 where someone named Gabriel is being experimented on due to his telekinetic powers and deformity. Well, we quickly realize that little Gabriel ain’t exactly mentally healthy and a bunch of folks meet some messy ends thanks to the super-powered little beast. The present day hits and we’re introduced to the pregnant Madison Mitchell, returning home from work to her shitty husband Derek. He brings up her prior miscarriages when she turns off the UFC he’s watching and when she stands up for herself he bangs her head into the wall. Needless to say, we aren’t shedding any tears when a supernatural stranger breaks into their house that night and violently dispatches the abusive piece of shit. Madison is also attacked by whatever the hell is in her house but she fares better than her husband, ending up in the hospital as a couple detectives try to make sense of the crime scene. Waking up to the news that her husband and unborn daughter are no longer in her life, Madison has a breakdown. Her lovable sister is around to help and offers to let her been-through-the-ringer sibling stay with her but Madison insists on going home. Well, the nocturnal visitor comes back and possible paranoia slips into the forefront. Guess who was adopted and guess how that binds her to the deformed telepathic madman working on a revenge scheme. Madison gets psychic visions of the murders, the disbelieving detectives get involved, quirky side characters get some love, Patricia Velasquez (“I love Marta”) gets some screen time, the awesomely-named detective Kekoa Shaw gets closer to the truth, the killer gets his own signature weapon and James Wan gets a standing ovation for the wild ride he just took me on. Some iffy cgi and so-so performances detract a little but this shit is silly throughout and the climax fits with the reveal in how fucking bonkers it is. Insidious-style supernatural shenanigans play out, giallo-inspired plotting turns everything around, nasty yet polished violence slaps the viewer back to reality, it’s true slasher film heart is revealed and reminders of Wan’s past exploits pop up everywhere through audio and visual techniques. I’m not sure what the hell James Wan was going for in this hearty stew of ridiculous but I’ll gladly come back for seconds.

Satan’s Slaves 2: Communion (2022) (Indonesia)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Sequel to 2017’s reimagining of 1982’s enjoyable remake-lite of Phantasm. The surviving family members of the first outing are now trying to get on with their lives, living in the flats with the comfort of many neighbors. An opening tableaux involving dug-up corpses in an observatory gets things off to an unnerving start, more-so because it seems like the dead crawled there themselves and judging by the deterioration of the bodies, that just ain’t possible. After the brief foray into pure nightmare fuel, we jump ahead a few years and catch-up with our heroes. Older sister Rini is protective of her little brothers Toni and Bondi and papa is obviously mentally wrecked and distant. Youngest kid, Bondi, has been digging around in the empty lot next door and believes he’s found a gravesite full of unmarked graves… uh oh. There’s already something sinister going on in the massive apartment building and following the casualties of an intense elevator set piece, the building now has more than a few corpses on the premises awaiting a proper burial. A growing storm is tipping things to chaos but dangerous downpours are the least of the residents concerns when the supernatural comes a-calling. A reporter we saw in the opening scene is trying to make his way to the the flats because he believes something incredibly evil is about to go down and he ain’t wrong. The final stretch takes place during a blackout which allows the director to play with limited sources of light, sometimes successfully and sometimes not so successfully. It’s kind of spooky, a little too long and just a tad too into itself but it still succeeds more than it fails. Vanishing tenants, a secret floor, a briefcase full of severed fingers, the living dead and a connection to the family’s dead mama will all come into play before shit gets resolved… for the time being at least.

Zuma 2: Hell Serpent (1987) (Philippines)

aka Hell Serpent/Daughter of Amik: Hell Serpent

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Some mountainside excavating fulfills its intended purpose and frees the trapped daughter of Zuma, Galema. Unfortunately, it also reveals that Ol’ Snake Shoulders himself is still kicking. The crew manages to bury him again but he swears vengeance on crew leader Morgan, the man that put the whole dig session in order with the hope of finding his true love. Reunited, the two youngsters tie the knot and look forward to a life together but, of course, the green and bald bastard Zuma escapes. Galema gets pregnant and worries about how her child will be treated, a well-founded fear when she gives birth to twins... one a human boy and one an albino snake. Zuma gets up to his old murderous and rapey ways in no time and Galema decides it’s high time she puts her poppa down for good. Zuma releases his giant reptile/human hybrid son, Dino, out into the world to do his bidding. He also learns that only the venom from Galema’s snake son can kill her, so he attempts to use him against his own mother. Another wild ride from the magical Philippines features a rapidly growing snake-baby thing bursting out of a pregnant woman’s tummy, Zuma manically laughing at just about everything, stolen music from various flicks (Friday the 13th 3-D and Halloween being the most noticeable), piss-poor special effects, a cave full of monster henchmen and a poorly choreographed monster throw down between father and son in a playground. The thing runs way too long but is still a good enough time to come recommended. Snake lovers best steer clear, they don’t fare too well when the humans fight back.

Satan’s Slaves (2017) (Indonesia/South Korea)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Following a strange three year illness, a mother passes away in her bed. Shit hits the fan for her four children almost immediately. At first it seems that the mother’s spirit is haunting her kids but the son of a local priest lets them know it’s actually an evil spirit taking the form of their lamented loved one. Digging deeper, they get more information from a friend of their grandmother (recently murdered in the house) about the horrific pact their mother made with a devil-worshipping fertility cult. It seems the youngest child is promised to the dark lord on his seventh birthday... guess which joyous occasion is fast approaching. An excellent cast and some moments of beautifully crafted terror work well to enhance the dread and there’s a fun corpse-filled climax. The ending falls a bit flat but everything leading up to it is well-orchestrated.

Zuma (1985) (Philippines)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2 

The excavation of a long-buried temple unleashes Zuma into the world. He’s a giant bald green man with two large poisonous snakes on his shoulders and he has a taste for virgin hearts. He rapes and enslaves a young woman, who then leads more victims to her new master. Professor Philip (the man behind the excavation), his lovely girlfriend and the chief of police race against the clock to stop Zuma’s reign of terror. Once captured, he proves to be impossible to kill and even more problematic is the fact his sentient seed is on a mission to impregnate any lady it can after his slave/baby-mama is killed in prison. We are now an hour into this two hour film. We get a nineteen year time jump, the spawn of Zuma (whose snakes are well controlled and hidden in her pigtails), and a final confrontation between father and daughter. My love for Filipino cinema is further solidified with this bat-shit insane two hours. There are some dull patches but they are (usually) quickly answered by a swift kick in the nuts of bizarre beauty. We don’t deserve Zuma.

Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) (USA)

aka Scream of the Snowbeast

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Some elderly college students journey into the wilderness to aid their professor in finding the fabled Yeti on Boot Island. The night before their adventure begins, most of the group attends a party where they encounter an alcoholic former student of the professor and his wife. The drunk flips out when he’s told another group of students are heading out and he shares that a previous Yeti-hunting field trip ended in the death of everyone besides he and the professor. While this is going on, Professor Prell and his student Keith are having dinner. At this dinner Keith samples a special dish called “gin sung”. “Brennan, why the hell are you going on about what some dumbasses are eating? Have you become some kind of lazier, less descriptive George R. R. Martin?” The answer is “No.” and you should really be more patient. The meal is important because it ties into Prell’s true intention when it comes to the Yeti hunt on Boot Island. There is no Yeti, in fact the ratty-ass monster seen wandering around the place and killing off various people is, in fact, some dude in a shaggy monster costume. The professor and his weird-ass friend who lives on the island (along with his mentally challenged “Indian” Laughing Crow), Dr. Karl Werner, have discovered the benefits of eating their fellow man. They plan on using Keith to spread the Yeti legend so their little club of satanic cannibals can carry on eating people and if he doesn’t, they’ll be letting everyone know he participated (albeit unwittingly) in consuming that old long pig or they’ll just eat him… a win-win in their eyes. Legendary trash purveyor Mike Findlay directs while his even more legendary wife Roberta picks up the cinematography responsibilities. The cast is all sorts of incompetent and it only works in the film’s favor, adding a level of ineptitude that pushes it over the edge into blissful garbage. Tawm Ellis as Karl is something to behold, looking like John Carpenter two weeks into an opium bender and acting like his ass would be more comfortable twirling his mustache and tying damsels to train tracks, he comes off like a dimensional traveler who popped into our world to feature in a Bigfoot flick and then vanished back to his home realm, leaving us scratching our heads and slightly forlorn over his absence. The Yeti costume is hilarious, definitely riddled with fleas and rented from the same New Jersey costume shop where they found their “Native American”. It drags in a few parts and the backyard theatrics can get a little grating but it’s a scuzzy bit of fun nonetheless and it features one of the worse-realized members of the Sasquatch tribe ever caught on camera.

The Ghost of Sierra de Cobre (1964) (USA)

aka The Haunted

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The wonderful Martin Landau plays a paranormal investigator by the name of Nelson Orion. He’s brought in for his expertise when a taphophobia (fear of being buried alive) suffering woman passes away. Her fear was so extreme that she had a phone installed in her crypt… well, one year later, that phone has been ringing and accompanied by her sobbing to her blind and rightfully horrified son. Diane Baker graces us with her presence as the blind man’s skeptical wife who begrudgingly calls Nelson in for help at the insistence of her spooked hubby. She warms up a little to the man when he explains he makes his money through architecture and if he discovers the haunting is a prank, he won’t charge a dime. While investigating the crypt where mama rests, a terrifying apparition shows itself to the disbelieving wife. The spirit recalls a case Orion worked where an American teacher was supposedly murdered by a blood-splattered specter, the location being the Sierra de Cobre of the title and the case was proven to be a hoax. There’s a sinister housekeeper hanging around as well, obviously up to no good and connected to Sierra de Cobre and disappointed in Orion’s failure to exorcise a ghost that he refuses to believe exists. Of course, it’s far more complicated than all of that and there’s a few secrets occupying the dark. We get some wind attacks, the stellar physical manifestation of a grave-dwelling spirit, Orion’s awesome take-no-shit housekeeper and a lovely beach house Orion calls home. Intended as a pilot for a horror-themed series, the airing station supposedly received too many complaints about the level of terrifying it brought to the table but it may just have been the exit of CBS president James T. Aubrey that killed the series dead. The series idea was scratched, footage was added and the endeavor became a pleasantly creepy TV movie. It’s a shame we didn’t get more Orion adventures but we’ll just place him right beside David Norliss, Brett Kingsford and Tom Kovack. A damn fine time.

Half Past Midnight (1988) (Netherlands)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Earlier outing from Wim Vink, the man who hypnotized us to sleep with his decades-long mixture of mundane living and inevitable blood sacrifices, Heaven is Only in Hell. This time out he’s only working with thirty or so minutes to get to the point which has this feeling less like the three-year-long viewing experience of his full-length “masterpiece”. A young girl is tormented by school bullies for some unknowable reason and the constant abuse comes to a crescendo when she stumbles out into the street and gets hit by a truck following getting sprayed in the face with hairspray. An event that has the bullies smiling and one of them even takes the opportunity to photograph the poor girl. They even bring their snark along to visit her unconscious ass in the hospital (one of the bully’s mothers works there), joined by the creepy professor who raped her and is seeing one of the awful bitches. That mother I mentioned earlier injects poison into her and that’s all she wrote. Thankfully, we’re in the realm of eighties backyard horror and the girl pops up, crams a knife into the killer nurse’s noggin and gets to gettin’ revenge. Hitting up a hardware store and grabbing what she needs. We’re rooting right along as she picks out proper implements to rip flesh and then uses her technical know-how to soup up her arsenal. It’s bye-bye bullies in quick order as cheapjack gore and plenty of stage blood graces the screen. It’s the enthusiastic splatter that is the universal language of every aspiring young idiot who sets out to make their amateur mark in the genre we love. That’s a compliment. Light on dialogue, heavy on repetitive hard rock licks and nonsensical humanity.

Demon Cop (1990) (USA)

aka The Curse of Something Bestial 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Colorado-shot trash fire is a complete mess and we’re all better off because of it. Cigarette-sucking Cameron Mitchell opens up the film as the head doctor of Ravenwood Asylum with no concern for doctor/patient confidentiality. He shares with us lucky viewers the tale of Edward Thurman (writer/director/Demon Cop: Rocco Karega) a former probationary officer and recipient of a Vietnamese blood transfusion which infected him with demon blood. It’s a blood disease that “makes the AIDS virus look like the common cold!” Now he turns into a werewolf-like creature that kind of resembles a turd/human hybrid with Jheri curls and kills gangbangers around the Colorado Springs area. There’s no real chance to get bored as underdeveloped subplot upon subplot drowns you in bullshit and you’re left scratching your head. There’s a radio DJ, a German Interpol agent, talk of Nazi experiments, a wheelchair-bound blonde woman with a gang background, constant shouting of the name Kelly, inept cops, lots of talk about asses, inept camera work, actors struggling with dialogue and last minute interference by a Colorado zookeeper. SOV regional crap heaven that just about knocks it into classic territory when a tragic letter is narrated in the growling voice of the monster. You may hate me for recommending this one but by this time you should know where my tastes lie. A must see piece of Colorado garbage.

You’re All Gonna Die (2023) (USA)

1/2

Social justice warriors journey to an abandoned campsite in hopes of unveiling a serial killer and exonerating an innocent man on death row. Of course, the problem with finding a real serial killer is that… well, you find a real serial killer. The group of folks working on proof of the man’s innocence are all varying levels of irritating, with unofficial group leader Ana coming off as an unlikable idiot that gets most of her friends killed. What a hero! Glory hog Travis is also on hand to be outright with his detestable traits and just begging to be murdered as soon as humanly possible. It doesn’t take long for the team of people that don’t like each other all that much to start getting their asses killed by the dude rocking goggles, a hoodie and ski mask. It’s the kind of lazy getup you’d find the killer wearing in a 90’s SOV flick. At least it has that going for it. Most of the cast is taken out within minutes which leaves us with plenty of time to spend with Ana and her melodramatic past. About twenty minutes in, I was hoping it was hitting its climax. This thing just goes on forever. Frantic editing, flashbacks from the Rob Zombie school of family dynamics and jump cuts do nothing to elevate the experience and just makes shit more annoying than it needs to be. Some familiar faces pop up so at least boredom gets elevated when Lori Petty (who looks like she’s partaking in Megan Mullally cosplay) or Martin Donovan are reading lines and finally paying back a favor. Daft, pretentious and almost a complete void of entertainment. You may get some joy at just how bad it doesn’t even know it is but that’s no reason to spend any time with it.

Monstroid (1980) (USA)

aka Monster/Toxic Monster/It Came from the Lake/The Beast From Beyond/Monster, the Legend That Became a Terror 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

It always amazes me just how much fun I have with films made from scrapping the bottom of the barrel. Monstroid should never be considered entertainment. It's boring, poorly filmed and has the acting talent of balsa wood that was left out in a thunderstorm. Yet, here I am ready to ramble on about it in a positive light. Does that make me a hero? No. It makes me an idiot. The Dorado cement plant has been polluting the ever-loving fuck out of a Colombian lake in the small village where they've set up shop. Not only has it made the fish inedible, it's managed to piss-off a large sea monster/local legend. The creature has made itself known by chowing down on a local. The monster attack has not only turned the dead man's wife into a reclusive widow but has allowed for one Victor Sanchez to use the beast as a means to turn the village against their major employer and hopefully get the pesky Americans out of his beloved country. Add to that an intrepid female journalist reporting on all the pollution and Dorado has a hell of a mess on their hands. This forces an ass-grabbing executive to send in a troubleshooter to salvage his business. Bill Travis, played by Jim Mitchum (who looks like gonorrhea took human form), travels to Colombia to take care of business. Bill has a run in with the reporter Patty and they immediately get on each other's nerves. They go at it so hard that there's no way in hell they're not falling in love. He refuses an interview and pretty much tells her to fuck right off. The Colombian plant boss has some shit going on as well as we are introduced to him breaking up with a blonde secretary for the mayor's daughter/the only helicopter pilot in the village. Trust me... it's an upgrade. The jilted blonde gets eaten shortly after Pete (the boss) throws her a farewell bone (wordplay!). When the dead blonde's corpse is discovered, Bill decides its time to do some investigating. The plant supervisor's son claims he has seen the monster before and Bill doesn't dismiss him like so many others have. More issues arise when the locals blame the widow for summoning the monster because apparently grieving women are witches. At least I think that's how the train of thought went. A full plate of shittery keeps everyone busy (but not so busy as not to find love) and the goofy-ass monster lurks around, causing a shockingly minimal body count. I have suspicions that this film was shot on used film-stock near the end of a cocaine-fueled Colombian vacation. The muddy night-shooting mostly showcases indecipherable action and the film warps almost at every chance it gets. John Carradine shows up as a priest that half-asses an exorcism and Jim Mitchum is there to remind you that his father passed on nothing but his looks to his kids. Patty the reporter struggles through her lines and the whole thing sends out some racist vibes. The obviously shitty cement company is made out to be the hero and the Colombian freedom fighters perish in a witch burning that turns into a gasoline explosion. It's all so wrong but oh so right. Monstroid is garbage but the kind of garbage you think fondly of every time you pass an odorous dumpster. The monster isn't seen till the climax... well, it may have been seen earlier but fuck if I can tell... and everyone gives off that vibe that they were either working for a free Colombian vacation or paying off a large debt. It's the kind of dire straits that makes for primo trash cinema.

Beginning of the End (1957) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Low-budget lunacy from Bert I Gordon finds a swarm of giant locusts in Chicago and B-Movie icon Peter Graves trying to save the world from the dreadful scourge. Some hungry grasshoppers chowed down on veggies blasted with radiation by the U.S. Department of Agriculture and now they’re on a path of destruction, wiping out whatever city they come across. The head scientist (Graves, naturally) teams up with a headstrong reporter and races the clock to figure out how to get rid of the gargantuan pest before the military drops an atomic bomb on the Windy City. You’ll drown in dialogue between the cheap special effects but if your brain is like mine, you’ll find more to enjoy than regret.

Night Key (1937) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Mild thriller has Karloff as the inventor of a state-of-the-art security system who is screwed over by the leading security systems company. The owner fucked him the first time around by stealing his old design and now he plans to buy this one and keep it under wraps. Karloff decides to get a little lite revenge by using his new invention to cancel out the old system and cause some mischief. Things are going fine until a crime boss named The Kid catches wind of the self-named Night Key and wants to use him to do some real crime. Karloff gets kidnapped and his daughter gets placed in danger to make him easier to work with but he has a plan to get everything back to hunky-doryville. Karloff is fine in an otherwise forgetful flick.

Robert the Doll (2015) (UK)

aka Robert

⭐️1/2

Based on real events! Ok. Sure. The Conjuring made that ugly-ass Annabelle doll a viable source of income, so low-budget horror did what it does best and mined the wells of cheapjack thrills. Here, a disgruntled former employee (the senile housekeeper, Agatha) hands off said evil doll to the son of the parents that just shitcanned her. The adults have a hard time believing Gene when he claims all the crap that’s been happening in their home is the fault of his ridiculously hideous doll. Mom had a medical condition that is constantly alluded to and dad is a workaholic, so there’s friction… I guess. Mom’s illness is revealed to be of the mental variety and her son’s claims of speaking with the doll and the doll being a little asshole have her worried she’s passed on the brain troubles and when she starts thinking there’s a possibility Gene ain’t lying, her sanity is called into question. Stiff acting and sluggish drama makes the viewer feel like they’re watching a local theatrical production they only saw because their friend had a supporting role but luckily for us we don’t have to lie and say we liked it. Slow-going affair never really gains any sort of pulse outside of a pathetic accident that befalls the new housekeeper, the even more pathetic murder of a babysitter, some scenes of “acting” and a baffling climax void of excitement. This movie feels like it goes on forever and we only get the briefest of moments featuring the mobile doll… it sucks but it’s the kind of suck that could have saved this flick if given a larger focus.

#MissingCouple (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A young couple make their money being the worst kind of people… influencers. Their next project is heading deep into a forgotten piece of Mississippi to renovate an abandoned farm. That’ll get the views! Of course, as is the lot of young couples looking to be social media gods, they run into disturbing trouble as night falls on the remote location. Austin and Janna have been living that “van life” and traveled around America with their lovely golden retriever Arlo. Now they’re ready to settle down and reset, enjoying their new massive stretch of property. So, after a brief introduction with the happy couple the message flashes across the screen that the couple have gone dark on social media and their friends and family have not had any contact with them. Their friend who hosts Found Persons Report is worried about them and as the authorities are not taking it seriously, he’s set up this channel to find the couple. He warns that someone can be seen hanging around the background of the footage they shot while checking out the property and needs our help to get to the bottom of things. We interweave his footage with the surviving footage of Janna and Austin. It’s a solid way to get the story moving and I dig it. Social media posts, unedited footage, trail cams and our unnamed sleuth piece together the horror that played out when darkness fell on the desolate home. Austin and Janna have a bit more depth when you peel back the facade of social media and it’s a good way to make influencers more likable than the show monkeys you usually get… well Austin still comes off as a chode but he’s a tolerable chode so I’ll take it. Janna digs into the land’s past which is pretty fucking disturbing while Austin begins to lose his cool as weird and spooky things keep escalating. They escalate for the man looking for his lost friends as well. Disturbing footage, disturbing noises and disturbing answers all come to light and a disturbing end comes to our protagonists. Surprisingly engrossing, suitably sad and a refreshing combination of real-world and supernatural unease.

Hatchetman (2003) (USA)

aka Body Hunter

⭐️1/2

Have you ever seen a low-budget slasher flick? Congratulations. You’ve seen Hatchetman. It’s like all of those lazy-ass slasher/serial-killer thrillers just sadder. The girls at a strip club dance like they have chronic back pain to something that sounds close to but somehow worse than Red Hot Chili Peppers. One of these ladies heads out to go meet up with her special guy but a masked man with a hatchet makes short work of her, severing and collecting her hands. Another stripper gets her cop boyfriend a tie for their one-year anniversary. She looks like someone drew Sherilyn Fenn from memory so I guess she’s the hero. She’s a college gal, stripping to make it through her university days and studying hard to get into law school. There’s a wiener with frosted tips hanging around and he seems pretty pissed at the female gender, constantly referring to them as “fucking bitches.” Red herring or actual killer? The good thing about lazy horror films is that you can never be sure. The strip club owner is a cranky scumbag (I’m just as shocked as you) who looks like the offspring of a drunken coupling between Tony Curtis and Cameron Mitchell and every other male is either a pervert, prick or pud (one guy steals, sniffs and wears the ladies underwear when he’s not working on cars and resembles Max Greenfield but with some kind of Thyroid disorder) and sometimes they’re all three. The women aren’t much better but they do get naked and look uncomfortable, so I have a bit more sympathy for the poor gals. Officer Sonny wants to marry fake Sherilyn Fenn but their relationship is a little rocky thanks to all those handless corpses of his girlfriend’s friends that keep popping up. Everyone pretty much assumes frosted tips is the killer (now I’m sure he’s not) because he dated one of the victims and swore revenge on all the girls (conveniently all living in the same apartment complex) once he got out of prison. He’s out… obviously. The most entertaining aspect of the flick is how a lot of people look like depressing versions of somebody with a bit more star power. It’s lame and horny but never arousing or all that exciting. I’ll give it some points for being charming but it’s only charming because it fails so miserably and my taste in film is pretty stupid. Also, I don’t think that dink’s tips are frosted at all.

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

It's one happening scene, man. One happening scene. Counterculture and old world superstitions combine about as well as you would figure in this near-final gasp of the Hammer Dracula series. We open up 100 years earlier to witness the supposed final battle between Count Dracula and Van Helsing which has made its way to London. Struggling with each other atop a moving carriage, Dracula manages to toss Van Helsing off but the carriage quickly crashes into a tree. Van Helsing stumbles over to the fiend and finds him impaled by one of the wooden carriage wheels. There's a final scuffle and with his dying action, Helsing successfully kills Dracula... or so he thought. A side-burned weirdo approaches the scene, scoops up Dracula's ring and collects some of the dead monster's ashes. He buries some of these ashes near the final resting place of Van Helsing, smiles sinisterly and goes on his way. The story picks up in modern day London where we join a stuffy party crashed by a group of youthful idiots. The kids boogey to the sweet sounds of Stoneground, who are playing live and really freaking out the stuck up old folks who watch on in terror as go-go gyrations sway to the vibes and make out sessions play out in view of everyone. The gang of morons flee the scene as the fuzz approach and I find myself feeling nothing but sympathy for the old people who had to deal with this annoying intrusion of bored potheads. Looking for another thrill, the newest member of the group (who looks like a certain pork-chopped creep from the film's opening), Johnny (ahem) Alucard, suggests they perform a black mass. The group is hesitant but thanks to an enthusiastic Caroline Munro (can't blame them, I'd do what she wanted) they decide they'll get their thrills by invoking some demons. Guess who Johnny resurrects. Drac is back and he has vengeance on his mind. One of the gaggle of dorks is a descendant of Van Helsing himself and is the prime target for the blood sucker. Luckily for her, her grandpa is well-versed in the family business and willing to fight for his dear granddaughter. Grandpa also has the help of a surprisingly open-minded Scotland Yard detective but they're gonna have to get a move on if they don't want more bodies to pile up. The modern day setting injects some life into the familiar story and the early seventies adds a lovely level of ridiculousness to the whole affair. It's corny as all hell but how often do you get to see Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing going up against each other in modern day London? The women are beautiful in that early seventies UK way and the final battle in an abandoned church set for demolition is brief but awesome. The cheese level is off the charts but you won't hear me complaining.

Cthulhu Mansion (1992) (Spain/UK)

aka Black Magic Mansion

⭐️⭐️

The mad man who blessed us with Pieces, Slugs and Satan’s Blood throws a gang of idiots into unknown waters when Lovecraft meets ignorance. Some low-rent wiener thugs flee the fuzz and take some hostages in the form of carnival magician Chandu and his daughter Lisa. The gang of assholes force the pair to take them to their fog-shrouded mansion where they can lay low. They ignore the magician’s warnings, refusing to release him unharmed, and run into dire trouble when the house’s supernatural secrets begin to show themselves. A ghostly visit from his deceased wife leads Chandu to the realization that he has to step in or damnation awaits he and his daughter. Genre staple Frank Braña hangs around as Chandu’s mute assistant, there’s some amazingly awful “face acting”, a detestable batch of idiots set up for a well-deserved slaughter, a monster in a fridge, a blood shower, a deteriorating injured man, killer flora and the living dead to put some pulse into the proceedings but a general lack of excitement gets this one limping over the finish line. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Rocktober Blood (1984) (USA)

aka Rockill/Rocktober Blood Paradise

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Billy “Eye” Harper is a rock star that has lost his mind. Following a killing spree at a recording studio, the young man is tried and executed for his crimes. The key witness/survivor at his trial has become the new front woman of Billy’s former band (now called Headmistress) and is garnering success two years on from the murders. A snag in the aspirations of rock & roll fame comes in the form of what seems to be a back-from-the-dead Billy with revenge on his mind. He’s got a rubbery monster mask and a bad attitude. Billy reveals himself immediately to the woman who sent him to his maker but nobody believes Lynn when she starts claiming the psycho is back from the dead. Lynn gets terrorized, bodies start piling up and the Rocktober Blood tour carries on despite the body count. Twin magic comes into play and if this movie were anymore 80s, it would be overdosing on cocaine with stockbrokers whilst rocking leg warmers and blasting Wham! on repeat.
Cocaine abuse, bewbs, tan lines, sick dance moves, a dope called Rick Righteous, jacuzzi bewbs, a banger called Rainbow Eyes, a veritable freak show of 80’s hair styles, and classic lines like “Blood… I want your hot, steaming pussy blood all over my face!” grace the screen along with a bunch of singing and a bit of the red stuff.

Satan’s Slave (1980) (Indonesia)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Stricken with grief after the recent death of his mother, Tommy puts his family at risk after visiting a fortune teller and being convinced to practice black magic in order to protect his family. His sister, Rita, becomes concerned the house may be haunted and seeks the help of her boyfriend, Herman, to figure out why. Problems escalate when a sinister housekeeper, with a strong resemblance to the fortune teller, moves in and the mother’s creepy-ass restless spirit keeps appearing to her children. The family’s sorrow and lack of spiritual connection to Allah puts them in deeper danger then they know and lives will be lost. Slightly creepy in its opening hour it is, sadly, also a bit dull but the final act does make up for it a little with a failed exorcism and a group of angry spirits/zombies attacking the family in their home. Known as an Indonesian Phantasm, it does have some resemblances to the classic flick but would probably go unnoticed if the viewer had no knowledge that it was marketed as such. A curiosity worth seeking out but not as good as many of the films to come from Southeast Asia.

The Wicked Within (2015) (USA)

aka Possessed 

⭐️⭐️

Dead children can ruin any family event, even a year on from said passing. Maggie awkwardly arrives at her friend’s home to drop off some flowers and cake, not wanting to intrude on the family get together. Hannah insists she stay and she’s greeted warmly by everyone else already there. Mom begins thinking everyone should be talking about the tragedy that hit a year ago and insists on pushing the subject through, she also seems insistent on getting more grandbabies which even I have to admit seems in poor taste… and just look at the sentence I started this review with. Hannah’s sister Bethany begins acting strange and it’s pointing towards a supernatural reason. At least I think that’s what a possible sexual assault by an invisible something in her dead niece’s room means but I’m no expert. Beth pukes, says out of pocket shit and speaks in that standard spooky-man voice. Mom blames drugs. Mom is pretty terrible but also kind of funny. A garbage disposal nips a finger, a message is written in ashes, sadness is prevalent in everyone, a medium gets called in shockingly quick, an exorcist joins soon after, a seance gets stupid, secrets are revealed, names are repeated like someone is embarrassed that they forgot somebody’s name and familiarity-bred boredom goes along with the emphasis on family drama. Eric Roberts plays a police psychiatrist interviewing the survivors (shockingly not doing most of his performance by acting into a phone) and getting to the bottom of things. That old Roberts charm gives it some extra points, it features a truly lame exorcism and it’s at least watchable thanks to its stupidity and silly ending.

The Hatred (2018) (USA)

⭐️1/2

Blackfoot Territory, 1869. A small group of lost and scared soldiers wander the cold woods. When their leader comes back with only the small portions he received from a nearby family, his men murder him by hanging and do away with the cabin-dwelling family. The youngest sister comes home to find her sisters massacred and her mother missing. She comes across the hanged man and rage-prays him back to life. Together they march over the snowy oblivion and get some revenge. An admittedly great idea is nearly completely sunk by the piss-poor narration which grates at every chance it gets. Delivered by the young lead actress with the zest of a narcoleptic nearing death and written by an angsty fourteen year old with a thesaurus, it makes the whole damn thing nearly unwatchable. Great idea, great location shooting but the execution infuriates.

Maligno (2016) (Peru)

⭐️⭐️1/2

A terrifying forest spirit wreaks havoc on a hospital, ending in a bloody slaughter. The entity is trapped in a pavilion following a witchcraft ritual. Decades later, a construction crew is begrudgingly forced to demolish a wall they know they should not be touching. They open up a hole and then flee after the dude operating the sledgehammer gets grabbed by something. An older nurse knows they should be nowhere near the “red pavilion” but the head doctor demands that the remodel go through. It’s too late for any dispute anyways. That hole has unleashed a whole bunch of evil into the hospital. A kind-hearted doctor (Sofiá Rocha) is familiar with the legend surrounding the place and doesn’t outright dismiss the supernatural, which makes her a lot more sympathetic than her tired and annoyed boss. Dr. Balbuena is asked to stay on an overnight shift due to a dwindling staff and hears something odd. A strange whistling (like the creepy-ass note featured in the backwoods classic Just Before Dawn) is emanating from the hole and the old nurse is convinced that the entity trapped thirty years back has returned and is looking to regain its former power. But as much as she pleads with Dr. Castro, he just sees her as causing unnecessary panic in his hospital. He suspends her and she leaves him with only one warning; if he hears the whistle and confronts what’s making it, do not look whatever it is in the eyes. Following an assault on her boyfriend, Dr. Balbuena’s daughter shows up at the facility and tracks the eerie whistle to its source. Guess what gets ahold of her. Her mother logically assumes the moody teen has just gone home after being expected to wait while her mama looks in on her boyfriend but the possessed girl is now creeping around the hospital and patients are dying. Knowing there’s no way in hell she can abandon her daughter, the doctor asks the nurse back to assist with trapping the spirit again. A goth teenager dressed like a prostitute crawling around and sucking out souls ain’t exactly my idea of scary but eventually a sort-of exorcism requires this films take on a trek through The Further and we… still don’t really get to see the jungle-born nightmare creature trapped behind the wall. Bummer. There’s a kid in a wheelchair to root for (don’t grow too attached) and some quality sound design to cause a few goosebumps. It’s all perfectly adequate, it’s just a little too familiar for its own good.

Dead Man’s Letters (1986) (Soviet Union)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Endlessly depressing post-apocalyptic rumination from the usually happy-go-lucky Soviets. After the nuclear missiles have fallen, a small group of miserable survivors have sheltered in the basement of a museum. A Noble Prize winning doctor writes notes to his missing (most likely dead) son as his wife deteriorates and the shit world around him turns shittier. Yet, he holds onto hope... and is constantly kicked in the metaphorical groin because of it. Featuring a small group of orphans who survived the destruction of their orphanage (re-orphaned?), burnt out orange and cold blue film tint, martial law, gas masks, a nightmarish march through a children’s ward and the haunting yet brief moment the end comes. If you’re familiar with the arthouse depression the end of the world brings, you know what you’re getting into. Bleak moments livened up by some morbid beauty. “Dear Eric, Some say that children live by the joy of learning the world. However, I am convinced that even in their happiest moments children live by fear. When I was a child I lived by the fear of locomotives. People said that when I was a baby, I saw how a locomotive had run over a cow. I don’t remember that. But in my darkest nightmares a huge black locomotive kept pursuing me. My feet felt rooted to the ground. I woke up screaming” We get it... everything is awful.

The Hem (2025) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A supposedly haunted church in Texas is investigated by a film crew on the condition that they leave the premises by nightfall. Fort Worth locals are hesitant to speak about the place because the legends concerning the South Side Church (formerly Rose Chapel) have spooked area folks for a long time, especially when it comes to a dressmaker named Isabelle Rose and a fire that claimed her life. You better believe this gets their investigative senses tingling, enough to ignore any supposed curse. After an interview with a bar owner is plagued by some strange electrical problems, we cut to an elderly police officer going over the footage the trio of filmmakers left behind. So, something goes wrong. They meet up with a semi-scuzzy caretaker wiling to let them tour the large property for some cash and with the promise that they leave when he leaves. The derelict place looks like it should be haunted by more than the spiders I am sure are probably creeping around every dark corner. The dressmaker’s spirit is glimpsed pretty early on, creeping in the background of the spooky-ass second floor and the caretaker warns them that the generator is about to go out so they need to vamoose right-quick. Rules are broken, people are trapped and lives are lost. A tale as old as time. An effective specter and solid setting goes a long way for any found footage ghost flick, the characters get a little annoying but you’ve seen way worse dopes throwing themselves needlessly in the path of supernatural terror… well, one of them reaches a pretty high level of aggravating. The police bits are regular old cinematic style and also don’t seem all that necessary even with the cops playing into the found footage towards the end. It’s a standard script done with moderate talent that runs a bit too long but with some of the pure found footage ass I’ve partaken in on Tubi, I’m thankful that this team got a good amount right.

Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy (2013) (USA)

aka Tomb of the Mummy

⭐️⭐️

Priya Rai (star of such memorable flicks as Femdom Ass Worship 3 and Squirt Squad) takes the heavy role as the sorceress Isis. She and her lover/husband/brother Osiris rule over ancient Egypt with fairness but Osiris’ jealous brother Set has other plans. Set kills Osiris and takes the throne for himself but Isis ain’t about to stand the fuck down. She’s caught while attempting to resurrect her husband with black magic and Set has Osiris chopped into pieces and buried in different spots as to prevent Isis from ever being able to resurrect his disassembled ass. Isis vows revenge and promises she and her brother/lover will be reunited and lay claim to the world. This brings us to the modern day where a group of six college students are given the assignment to uncover and document their museum’s recent acquisitions. The unlikely archeologists are dim as fuck (Most of them, at least. You can tell who the nerds are because they have glasses and bad hair.) which I’m guessing is why they are joined by their professor and a renowned Egyptologist in their duties for the overnight activities. Well, the vengeful spirit of Isis is awakened because youthful puds wanted to get high off of old-ass drugs and all hell breaks loose as she begins collecting pieces to put her lover back together. She also has a silly digitally altered voice… so that’s great. The annoying dinks start dropping, chesty Isis finally shows up to alleviate the tedium and possess some ladies, PG-13 sexual liaisons go down, dub-step pollutes the soundtrack, charmingly shoddy violence takes out the cast, shaky green screen brings ancient Egypt to ramshackle life as less-than-believable narration explains everything and Priya Rai may be stacked in the chest area but her acting skills are on shaky ground, luckily she’s just as good if not better than most of the other cast… looking at you Set. It’s all pretty dumb and lazy but you’ve seen a whole lot worse and Priya Rai’s cleavage wasn’t there.

Mammoth (2006) (USA/Romania)

aka Outbreak

⭐️⭐️1/2

A meteor crashes through the roof of a national history museum in the small town of Blackwater, Louisiana after the museum curator, Dr Frank Abernathy (Vincent Ventresca), finds a strange tracking beacon in the frozen mammal his museum is famous for. Turns out that it wasn’t a meteor but a spaceship housing a shapeshifting alien. In order to survive earth’s atmosphere, it latches onto the first organism it comes into contact with. If you read the title, you should be able to guess what partially-frozen exhibit it sets up in. The 17-ton alien-possessed zombie Woolly Mammoth stomps around, sucking the life out of folks with its trunk or crushing people under its big-ass feet. Two government agents show up tracking the “meteor” and Dr Abernathy’s daughter (Summer Glau) sneaks out on her 16th birthday to party and get back at her dad for missing her big day. We learn the US government plans on blowing the town off the map if the monster mammoth can’t be contained. Heroics are in order. Tom Skerritt shows up as the lovable family grandpa and there’s a whole bunch of stupidity making things a little enjoyable. My dude, Vincent Ventresca, has fun with his role as the goofy/scatterbrained father but it’s not as fun as it wants to be.

Anthropophagus II (2022) (Italy)

aka Man-Eater

⭐️⭐️1/2

A group of students head into a Cold War era bunker for a research project with their professor coordinating the experience. The film opens with the off-camera eating of a baby cut out of the mother’s belly… so you know things will not end well for the gaggle of gals. There’s no cellphones and nobody was told where they were going so these idiots pretty much fucked themselves by undertaking a weekend trip locked in a bunker for their thesis. Listen. I’m not saying anyone deserves the horrific tortures that befall these poor ladies, but there’s a point where your inability to survive just becomes annoying and the shits I give about you vanish. If the location and secrecy weren’t sending off an explosive chorus of warning bells then the creepy-ass guide that leads them into the bunker should have been the final straw but it’s not and these idiots intrude on the stomping grounds of a murder-happy cannibal. Horrible dialogue and a bunch of graphic death will have any spaghetti nightmare enthusiast smiling because as dumb as it all may be, if you grew up with the splatter from The Boot, you’ll be right at home. The graphic violence is mostly practical effects work and the setting is pretty cool but the boogeyman is pretty lame. Just looks like some dude who used to live in the woods with the Wrong Turn clan but now beats his wife in their New Jersey apartment. Pretty much doomed from the start anyways when you’re standing in the shadow of George Eastman. Still, low expectations should lead to a good time. “I had to team up with the shit-head stoner!”

Absurd (1981) (Italy/Panama)

aka Horrible/Anthropophagus 2/The Grim Reaper 2/Monster Hunter

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

More ridiculous fun from D’Amato and Eastman, serves as a spiritual sequel to their splattery classic, Anthropophagus. Eastman is a hard-to-kill Greek psychopath being hunted down by a dedicated priest, portrayed by personal favorite Edmund Purdom. The film opens with Eastman getting his stomach ripped open on a cast-iron fence and wandering into the mansion of some suburbanites. Our towering creep has some unbelievable recuperative powers and wakes up in the hospital, ready to get his murder on. What follows is D’Amato’s bizarro take on Halloween. Eastman slaughters the hell out of a bunch of folks (Michele Soavi, among them) on his way back to the house he wandered into earlier. Not because he enjoys the family’s company or anything, but on his wanderings he recognizes the father’s car... which hit him earlier that night and drove on off. Of course mom and pop have gone down the road to a friend’s house to watch the Super Bowl, so he terrorizes the crippled and bedridden daughter, her annoying and curly-haired little brother and the dedicated babysitter instead. It doesn’t go the way its inspiration would have you expecting. Purdom eventually lets the local police force know they have a killer whose body can regenerate dead cells on their hands and they’re gonna need the help of the biochemist-priest who has been tracking him since he escaped from a Catholic laboratory (at least I like to imagine it was some sort of church-funded lab). He also lets them know they gotta kill the brain to kill the man, everything else will prove rather futile. Graphic violence and the American tradition of chowing down on spaghetti whilst watching the Super Bowl follows. Dumb as fuck and I wouldn’t change a damn thing about it.