Squatch Junkies (2023) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

I think the last thing an already agitated Sasquatch needs is moonshine and meth. Unfortunately those are the exact substances that hillbillies bring to the equation. Joe is unable to deliver “the product” to a local crime boss because whatever is out in the woods has taken his supply. This pisses Biff off immensely and he doesn’t exactly buy into Joe’s claims of a hairy monster getting its big ol’ claws on the meth and moonshine. Biff’s wheelchair-bound partner Ned is a little more understanding of the situation. Biff thinks some hillbilly is tipping them off so he, Joe and Ned head out to the woods to get their product back before having to talk with their supplier Jethro. Of course, Biff insists they read Tarot cards first and this leads to Mr. Beelzebub showing up in a suit and tie, bathed in red light and speaking in a smooth southern accent. He warns them that one of “their” entities has escaped and to stay away from “their forest”. He’s ignored by everyone but Joe. A horny Sasquatch shows up at a woman’s tent and she’s less than impressed by the size of his dong, this pisses him off and she’s bludgeoned to death by his hairy fists and a solid elbow drop. The trio make it to a locked red cabin and break in, looking to get their hands on some Ozark moonshine and wait on whoever (more like whatever) has stolen from them. Joe is anxious, Biff is irritated and Ned is curious. Ned’s curiosity leads them to a glowing party light hidden in a dark room and is convinced it’s how the creature communicates with whatever otherworldly beings it communicates with but instead of focusing on that, they all get high. We meet Jethro, we see how Ned (maybe doing an Adam Sandler impression?) came to be in his wheelchair, we find out why Sasquatch is no longer hidden and Bigfoot finally shows up and that rubber limb carnage I crave gets some time in the sun. An extended game of pool where one plot point is fixated on hits almost immediately and if you laugh at how ridiculous it is, you should be in the right headspace for this kind of creature feature. On our way to the climax we’re treated to rambling, hot pink drenched visuals, audio hissing that definitely hits you with heavy hands of SOV nostalgia, some hilarious dialogue, a few bits of fever dream analogue heaven, authentic audio/visual issues and stretches of time lost in a haze of pointlessness. It’s exactly like it used to be when you’d spin the chamber and take a shot on some VHS tape found on the bottom shelf of the video store horror section. Have you ever had a head injury? I’m sure if you did it’s not something you would reminisce about. It’s more-so a traumatic memory that’s best left forgotten or at the most used to ensure the same mistakes don’t play out ever again. Squatch Junkies is a head injury but one you look back fondly on.