Four elderly youths journey into the forest and come across an abandoned house that seems like the perfect location to bump some uglies. One of the girls gets the vibe that the place is dangerous and decides it would be in her best interest to wait outside. She is correct because it doesn’t take long for her boyfriend to meet his end via throat violence. Prior to that, the other couple consisting of some incredibly expressive doofus from Brooklyn with a disgusting head of hair and his gal who looks kinda smelly but does have some nice sweater canons to go with her beefy butt are sent to their maker with a kitchen knife brandished by a dope in a kinda cool mask and hood combo. Their screams are what brought the smart blonde’s boyfriend into the house. The smart girl runs off to find and comes across a helpful young man named Abel. He knows a bit more than he’s letting on. The house was his family’s and his family perished in a car accident in which he was the only survivor. His mother and sister now haunt the area and his “phantom brother” loves nothing more than to slaughter any trespasser who comes across the house. It happens more than you would think because Abel’s dad supposedly hid a bunch of money somewhere in the place. Abel isn’t happy with the actions of his spectral family and he develops feelings for the girl who got a bad feeling about the location. It’s further complicated when the girl refuses to just ignore the fact that her friends have disappeared and plans on doing some digging around the dangerous house. There’s also a few subplots taking up time and trying the viewer’s patience. A terrible doctor who believes Abel to be very dangerous is determined to get him back in protective care, a film crew of idiots attempts to shoot a cheapjack horror film at the abandoned home and Abel’s horrible adoptive family attempts to get their hands on the money. In between all this marginally interesting action is a whole bunch of talking and humor that couldn’t have been all that humorous even at the time of release. The emphasis on comedy that rarely lands and hair that’s more nauseating than any violence has this SOV slasher flick bringing a healthy amount of groans to the viewing experience. Awkward human interactions and aggravating performances will numb your ass as it seems each fucking character tries to be more abrasive than the last. Even the fucking ghosts have you wishing you could hammer some foot-long nails into your ears. The killer has a cool look, the splatter is my kind of cheap, the ill-fated Dawn has a bodacious body and there’s enough oddness reverberating throughout to keep me from turning it off but this bad boy is mostly a fucking drag.
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