My knowledge of the cannibalistic exploits of Colorado legend Alferd Packer extends only as far as what Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Cannibal! The Musical has taught me. So here I am, ready to learn! Narrator Aaron lets us know right off the bat that the study of the past has always fascinated him. He says a lot of pretentious shit to basically get to the point that he is a history major and life is full of darkness. He is looking to solve the mystery around America’s first tried and convicted cannibal… that would be Mr. Packer. Aaron fills us in on the dark history as is the narrator’s want. He claims Alferd vanished and now he’s on a quest to locate the cannibal’s lost grave. This brings him to Southern California and the legend of Packer making a deal with the Devil for eternal life but with a catch as now Packer craves human flesh or some such shit. His position as a TA for a professor who has just had a stroke offers him the opportunity to put together an expedition which should end in him making his mark on American history. Aaron and a small group of students (forced to tag along as a final project for the course) head out to the area which was apparently a killing ground for something unstoppable with a large appetite for slaughter. The legends are true and that undead miner is still creeping around, looking for gold and chowing down on the long pig. As a TA, Aaron leaves much to be desired but as an expedition leader, he’s somehow worse. One of their group goes missing the first night (dumbass reaches down a hole spewing fog and light) and he insists they march on for help instead of heading back and alerting the proper authorities. That’s why more folks are gonna die. What a terrible TA. Our hero is an insufferable dope, our villain is a wonderful cheap-ass zombie with supernatural powers and a beard, there’s skeleton-faced ghosts/zombies in the mountains, camera filters provide some special effects, heavy winds strain the ears, confusion is a result of a script that may not know what the hell it was aiming for and one of the girls looks a bit like the super cute mom from Eerie Indiana. Cheapjack horror is definitely stupid but it’s close enough to my kind of stupid to be an alright time waster.
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