Two dudes are cruising the strip to ask folks what they want to see in horror movies and hopefully pick up chicks. They do just that in crowded bars where it’s hard to hear anything. Some dork tells them to fuck off and when they don’t drop it, he tells them they don’t know what fear is. But before that means anything, there’s more crowded bars and more straining to hear what the fuck these dinks are saying. Why is this still happening? One patron buys them a couple drinks and they get sick and loopy. The rough walk home ends with both morons passing out and that rude guy placing them in a makeshift cage. He uses their camera to film. He pours gasoline over the crate and ignores it as the wieners scream… and that’s it. Ok. A guy named Chase talks to his camera and apparently he’s been running… running so long. Why is he running? Well, he’s claiming his doppelgänger is doing bad shit and stalking him. And now he’s uploading videos his doppelgänger is sending him or maybe it’s something that looks like his father… I don’t know, it’s not really clear. So, here are the videos. A German film reviewer and his girlfriend throw in a bootleg DVD a viewer sent them to watch. It’s video of some German vlogger walking and talking to his camera. He’s been walking down an empty stretch of road for six miles and hasn’t seen a soul. A car stops for him and the two women in the car offer him a ride as far as they can. The driver stops to pee and the blogger notices the back seat is covered in plastic. The passenger claims it’s for their dogs (suspiciously not along for the girls’ supposed road trip) and he accepts that as logical enough. She starts playing metal and the driver rushes him wearing scuba goggles and brandishing a big ol’ butcher’s knife. And that’s that. The German film reviewers seem way more disturbed by it than anybody should be. The girlfriend gives it a 0 out of 10 and I am inclined to agree. I guess there’s more than one worthless film on the disc. Super. It’s supposedly from the Ministry of Internal Affairs and National Security. It’s video of two idiots wandering around in the woods at night time. Of course, filming it on a hand cam with a flashlight being their only source of light. They’re not sure why they are there, they blacked out during a government exercise and woke up in the woods. No communication is available but they do have their pistols and one clip apiece. They assume it’s all part of their training. Which is why they write off the high-pitched wailing they hear as their superiors fucking with them. They discover another dude passed out by a tree with a professional camera and a headlamp. He ain’t decked out in military gear. He’s in jeans and a hoodie. He lets them know he was tagging along to make a documentary about their training. They don’t remember him but he remembers them. Together they march on through the woods and they catch a strange person in all white walking in the distance and whistling. Not good. When he runs screaming at them, it’s revealed he’s wearing a clown mask. Less scary but still not good. The camera fails and when it’s back in working order, one of their trio is freaking out. Rightfully so. But on they tread, no matter how inexplicable shit seems. There’s scheming afoot and death in the cards. It’s better than anything we’ve seen up to this point but that’s like saying drinking 10 ounces of warm diarrhea is better than chugging 30 ounces of it. We then cut to footage of a possessed girl being filmed by Kalimah Paranormal Team X. There’s no background, we just jump right in. It’s definitely not German, so it had that going for it. It’s also not subtitled… whoops! But exorcism is a universal language so it’s not hard to follow. Its presentation is better than anything we’ve seen, in a “lack of funds and griminess” kind of way. This one worked, they should have stuck in this neck of the woods because the German and American crap has been a big bowl of piss soup. Case CF-89 (Hey! A fucking title!) is footage that was discovered by construction workers when they’re demolishing property in Miller’s Farm, Connecticut. It’s a couple dips heading to the spouse’s granny’s house in the middle of the woods. Grandma has been dead for two decades and the woman wants to visit the home one last time before they tear the bastard down. It’s wood paneled, so it’s a damn shame in my book. A little exploring gets creepy when they open up the attic and, unbeknownst to them, there’s a dude wearing Michael Myers clothes, carrying a machete and in bad need of a haircut. The derp filming gets the knife to his gut and the long-haired creep grabs his camera and films himself stalking the granddaughter. There’s a steady cam in the basement which catches the dork in a bad wig break the girl’s neck. Sigh. That could have been much better. Not in the way that a bunch of these shorts could have been much better, this one had a little potential to be more than the nothing it ended up being. We jump to Blake and Jessie filming their Halloween ghost hunt in an elementary school with a bad history of a murdered child on picture day. They get some responses in the music room (supposedly dead Jimmy’s favorite spot) and are inspired to keep digging. A moving chair is kinda creepy but the stalking shadow figure is much worse. Jesse begins to feel that something is off and the paranormal activity begins to ramp up. Jesse wants to leave, Blake wants to stay and I can guarantee these two are royally fucked. This one was kind of fun. Chase returns to awkwardly spout more of his babble and I’m guessing this is the tie-in to the first Paranoia Tapes. He talks about a movie podcast that I’m supposed to know about so I assume it’s important. He then goes off on the Die Hard Christmas movie debate and it’s as exciting as that debate usually is. After that brief dip in inanity, some guy sets up a camera as his wife complains about painting the walls. She goes on and on about it as her husband films it because he’s an idiot and has no idea what the purpose of filming something is. There’s no reason for him to be filming this. I could only imagine how ass-numbing it would be for people who experienced it first-hand. At least this is all new to me. It sucks but it’s new to me. Finally the boredom is broken when a salesman stops by to sell the couple on a quick holiday. They enthusiastically invite him in and share some champagne with the dope. They force him into a game of Yahtzee and it’s just as exciting as it sounds. He decides to leave when it gets uncomfortable but a plastic bag suffocation keeps him in place. Well, that was a whole lotta nothing. The next bit is about the thrilling excitement offered in a Skype call between brothers. One of the brothers is hearing shit in his house as he’s trying to talk to his brother and there’s definitely someone… or something in there. No, it’s someone. Just another murder video but this time the killer looks like he’s into emo music. A drunk dude is goaded by his two daughters into the woods when they tell him they found some monsters. He’s pissed they interrupted his drinking and filming of nothing important but fortunately we don’t have to spend much time with him because their is something in them woods. We don’t see what it is but we hear it attack the awful man and witness him lying on the ground with blood all over his head. The sisters hi-five each other. Why the hell was that in here? Back to Chas delivering some awful dialogue to the camera again. He realizes he’s his doppelgänger and he promises more to come. Now that’s fuckin’ scary. That film review couple watching the DVD of short films in the film uploaded by Chase/Henry (great, now my nose is bleeding) are dead on the couch and some guy walks in and grabs the camera. This film is like waiting in line for a rollercoaster that is needlessly intricate and only has a couple fun dips but is mostly just your wife looking at you disappointed because you made her wait for two hours for nothing and she missed lunch with her best friend who she hasn’t seen in a couple years because you just had to try this god damn new ride. Also, the kid behind you just threw up all over your back.
No comments:
Post a Comment