⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A hefty payday is promised to a junk removal company if they take up a project outside of their usual area of service, cleaning out the contents of a rather large, somehow claustrophobic yet still gorgeous mansion. Judging by the brutal murder of an elderly woman by another elderly woman in the opening, this mansion has a troubling past. This is very bad news for the crew of workers because this past isn’t staying there and they’re about to come into contact with a whole lotta awful. Refreshingly, the crew is mostly middle-aged dudes so it’s not our usual batch of horny and emotional teenage idiots. They just seem hungry and tired… and I can really relate to that. A mixup with the booking of the hotel they’re supposed to be staying at has them spending the night in the house. Backwoods New Jersey locals and a wood-paneled bar I would definitely have a couple drinks in serve as an appetizer to the actual main murder dish and that makes me very happy. It’s everything I want in my laid back labors of love. Although, this one may just be a little too laid back for its own good. Outside of the pre-credits murder, it’s about forty minutes before anything of note happens (listen, I know not everyone is gonna be all excited about shooting in actual New Jersey businesses so I would understand if 98% of the viewing public has already fallen asleep) and no I’m not talking about the boss man’s trip to a local True Value or the crew’s trip to a local bar (again, this may be exciting to my dumb ass but I’m talking about the hammer attack of a trespassing teenager when I say “anything of note”). Some Jersey barflies who look like the youngest old women I’ve ever seen let the younger crew members know the house has some spooky history involving lunatic twins and the guys ignore it, taking the oldest young women on a tour of the mansion. That’s four more dead people. Slowly the men trickle back to the place and come into contact with the angry hag haunting the halls and keeping to the shadows. Having worked construction for a good chunk of my life, I was all about the extended scenes of the work crew just having beers and being goofs in local spots that owed the producer a favor. It also had me rooting for these forty-year-olds to make it out alive to drink some domestic beers another day. There’s some bits of cheap but effective and fun splatter to sweeten the pot that was already my kind of homemade banality. Sometimes that’s all I want in life, to just feel like I’m throwing on warm underpants that offer no frills but are comfortable as all hell. Bonus points awarded to a senile slasher getting her hands dirty and some good use of the natural atmosphere the house granted the filmmakers.
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