Shark Side of the Moon (2022) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

It’s a well-known fact that during the Cold War, the USSR developed super-aggressive and impressively intelligent bipedal sharks of various species. Of course, their top-tier scientists soon discovered that these beasts were rather un-killable (not good when carelessness gives them a chance to escape) so they did what any reasonable nation would do when confronted with the unstoppable abominations they had birthed… they launched them into space and discarded them on the moon. It’s called world history… read about it sometime. Decades pass and now a team of American astronauts on the moon for the first time in a long time are repairing a module after an accident forces them to make an emergency landing on the dark side of the moon. You see where this is going, right? Renegade astronaut Michael Kelly (a last minute stand-in for a sick crew member) ruffles some feathers with his inclusion but they’ll thank their lucky stars the man of action (ish) is around when the human-like sea beasts strike. They also meet a Russian and his daughter on the moon who save their asses and can seemingly breathe on the moon. Okay. Sergei is the one who piloted the rocket and the girl is his adopted daughter… so I guess that explains that. Wait. That explains very little. Whatever. The sharks live under the dark side of the moon and take one of the crew hostage. The sharks have developed a society and speak Russian and English with a Russian accent… there’s also breathable air and they have plans to get themselves to Earth for nefarious reasons. It’s revealed the adopted daughter is half shark… so I guess that’s why she can breathe on the moon… wait, that doesn’t explain anything at all. A rescue mission gets put in place and then a rescue mission for the rescue mission happens but that rescue mission ends with a 100% casualty rate. There’s a six hour window to get home because you definitely need a ticking clock added to the shark-human issues the remaining crew is facing. It’s revealed the sharks plan on hitting earth and releasing their eggs (No. Nope. That’s not right at all. I’m aware that the species is ovoviviparous so the eggs are carried within the female for the gestation period and then hatched within, where the pup will continue to develop until live birth but you have to figure with the hybridization of shark and human it would be your usual mammal birth… listen, I know I’m the idiot for thinking about this too much) to make them the dominate species. There’s shark breasts, shark butts, talk of Elton John, questionable green-screen work, a limited prop budget, moon lava, slow-motion spear skills, the usual Asylum-level cgi, the usual Asylum-level dialogue, an ending so dumb it made some of my brain melt and so much stupidity your IQ will probably drop a few digits. The wrong kind of boring and the right kind of dumb make for a semi-entertaining time. “Gravity normalizers engaged!”