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I have been to Arizona once in my life and I fucking loved every minute of it. Most likely had to do with the company and the fact that it’s a lot more tolerable for my natural furnace self in late November but the food was delicious and the Packers bar my buddy frequented was a dive seemingly made for me. While there, I did not run into any Satanic cults which makes sense because it looks like back in the early nineties some derpy young derp in a yellow Trans-Am (writer/director/composer/producer/editor Mike Conway) and a foxy (at least a malnourished Florida 7) witchy woman took care of em. Will (our hero) stops and grabs a hitchhiker as he cruises down some lonely stretch of Arizona blacktop and is immediately beset by a roving gang of angry uncles. They want the hitchhiker because he left their little “family” and stole from the head of it. The payment for that is getting his eyes poked out. Damn, somebody get these angry uncles a bucket of frosty ones, that’ll calm ‘em down. Will uses the momentary distraction of extreme eye-poking and pocket searching to jump in his banana cock compensation to get the hell away from the men. Will reports the murder to the cops and then lays low at his brother’s remote cabin. He discovers the hitchhiker left behind a triangular crystal in his car and brings it to a shunned local by the name of Daphne. Daphne was the person who the hitchhiker was hoping to make it to before the lethal eye gouging. He finds her meditating (sleeping) by a tree and she ain’t all that happy to be disturbed. She kicks him out but he wants answers no matter how many times Daphne tells him to get the hell away from her. She does take the crystal, so that’s one thing that he no longer has to worry about… yeah, sure. His brother warns him that Daphne is a witch and suspected of some recent deaths but Will is headstrong and too curious for his own good. Will and Daphne go grab lunch the next day and are watched by a trio of locals who also resemble uncles and you can tell the burly one leads them because of how long his mullet is. The unlikely duo have a picnic consisting of roast beef sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies, there’s also cartons of milk. Hell of a picnic. Daphne must be enjoying herself and her company because she fills Will in on the trouble coming his way and the power the black crystal grants to the cult leader. Will drops her off, presumably stinking of roast beef and rocking some milk breath and heads back to his brother’s place but those hillbillies attack because that witch supposedly killed one of their friends. Will gets knocked out and when he comes to he finds a trio of dead hillbillies laying around him. It’s unfortunate, there was so much more time we could have had with power mullet. Will confronts Daphne about killing the dinks and she has no problem admitting she takes out the scumbag men of this backwoods garbage town without mercy. She has no issue with Will because he treats her with respect and smells of roast beef (I assume). Gross smooching follows as the unsightly duo attempt to eat each other’s faces. Probably because of the overpowering roast beef odor. Pete ain’t happy his brother is hooking up with the local witch and goes to talk to an old timer who looks like Madman Marz before he became a supernatural killing machine. He tells Pete he needs to take care of things before his brother is doomed for his relationship with the strangely attractive witch. Naturally, Pete grabs a gun and gets Daphne to come with him, claiming his brother is ill. His plan fails and a car accident follows. That’s one brother dead. Will is heartbroken and heads back to his apartment where Daphne is waiting for him. They immediately reconcile and go join some of Will’s friends for dinner. Hamburgers. Ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise will also be on the table. The movie felt it was important, so I’m sharing it. There’s a lot of that in this movie and I fucking love it. Just a camera placed at completely mundane situations with an unflinching love for every stupid conversation regular folks have at any moment. Eventually the cult tracks down Will’s Trans-Am and soon after Will. This just means we get more time with the batch of evil uncles and their leader who is more wooden than the paneling on almost every wall. He’s great. And much like real angry uncles they let Will know “his ass is grass.” when they scoop up he and his witchy gal pal with the close-set eyes. They bring them to their secret Satanic uncle headquarters which is a shanty in the middle of nowhere and the lead uncle lets Daphne know that he will let Will go of she gives him the crystal. She agrees and off they go to grab it. Will manages to free himself rather unconvincingly and escapes the angry batch of uncles, killing the largest of the uncles before making it into the sparse woods. Luckily for Daphne, still in the clutches of the head uncle, Will is a man of action. A man of action who may look like a rather large eighth grader but a man of action nonetheless. Soon, there’s more than a few dead uncles on the property and a final confrontation between one of the least threatening villains in movie history and some fire wraps everything up. There’s not much happening but a lot is going on if that makes any sense. It completely belongs to a little sliver of the south where Mike Conway roamed around and that’s way more important to me than splatter and action. Yes, I know I’m an idiot but the heart loves what it loves. It’s a homemade blast that shows just how far a dream and a bunch of uncles can get ya.
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