It’s Polonia time, so get ready for fulfilling flashes of oddness and stupidity running head on with boredom and meandering, all presented with Northeastern United States sensibilities. The Hayden family (Mark Polonia and his loved ones) buy a new home with a disturbing past and something awful in the basement. The disturbing past is a nasty murder and the something awful is a goofy-ass puppet monster with a taste for flesh. The whole town of Whispering Bluffs has a bad wrap; the ground is rumbling, holes are being found in basement walls and locals are getting themselves slaughtered. A local priest fends one of the silly boogers off with a cross and begins to believe there’s a deeper meaning to the appearance of the beasts. His curiosity leads him to discovering the creatures can speak telepathically and have been around since the age of dinosaurs. The night crawlers supposedly destroyed a nearby town a long time ago and the old timers still talk about the underground monsters in whispers. Of course, modern father Mark Polonia doesn’t believe in such bullshit and his family may end up paying the price for his ignorance. The discovery of his boss’s corpse and the murder of his buddy leads our mustachioed hero into the mysterious tunnels and has him crossing paths with that curious priest. Heroics are in order and the destruction of an MS Paint spaceship just may save the day. Polonia flicks from this time always come off like your dad telling a half-remembered campfire story after polishing off a couple cases of Schlitz. They’re kinda lame, sometimes rambling and every so often slip off into an odd aggressiveness. Mark Polonia rocks a windbreaker, still photos set the scene and the monsters look like the unholy offspring of those turd-ants from Things and the whole discount section of a Spirit Halloween store. We all win but we also lose… classic Polonias.
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