⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Fuckin’ Ohio. A single papa, Paul Henson, purchases a small town newspaper in Copperton, OH and drags his teenage daughter along with him for their fresh start at life. Welp, that ain’t gonna be happening because a cult of Satanists (the kind of awful people who wear sunglasses at night) have a stranglehold on the town and the discovery of a freshly disemboweled corpse has the former Chicago Tribune reporter intrigued. Reverend Donovan (Nick Baldasare from Beyond Dreams Door) leads the evildoers and Linnea Quigley pops in as a seductress under his employ. He wants her to do what she does best and seduce the newbies into his flock so he can collect their souls. Of course, she gets naked in a graveyard after her quick introduction. No complaints here. His new reporter (also taking a break from her big-time newspaper) looks into things and struggles to emote as she quickly uncovers some evil bullshit is in the works. The sheriff is pissed because the paper’s stories about the satanic conspiracy is causing panic and a growing body count. Getting help from nobody in town, a little hope comes along with the arrival of an old-fart reverend by the name of Kane who read Henson’s articles and knew that he was needed to combat the malignancy in the small town. Quigley is the daughter’s teacher (both rock a skanky style of fashion that belongs somewhere in the mid-80s or a sex club that specializes in the fashions and aesthetics of early 90’s pornography) and she’s trying her damndest to get her to join up with Donovan’s congregation. Reverend Kane goes out way too early to be of much consequence but he does have some negatives stashed in his hat which may just expose the cult. An ex cult member offers some paranoid warnings at a dive bar and has a disgusting beard and an issue with over-acting… it’s ok, he gets his face blasted off by a shotgun. There’s a gravel-voiced metal head named Dobson who killed a bunch of kids and now spends his time in a cell and fails at acting, a fire pit with the remains of burnt children, an awkward sex scene, “the drinking of salty blood”, intimidation via nut cracker, a hero who looks like Rick Moranis and Booger from Revenge of the Nerds had a baby and raised him right, a trip to a local watering hole I really wish I had the chance to visit and a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! I kept getting Blood Cult vibes from it but it’s way more competent than Christopher Lewis’ ass-dragging (but still well-loved) shot-on-video satanic slasher flick. Non-threatening villains, explosions of cheap splatter, Nick Baldasare having a blast and Linnea Quigley being hawt make it all worth your time. Hard to believe this one almost stayed lost to the ravages of Ohio… at least, I assume Ohio is to blame.
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