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A professor journeys to a small town in Northern Italy to research the slaying of a witch during the 1800s. At least I think that’s why she’s there, they don’t really tell you right off the bat. She gets to the village, meets her local guide then goes to her hotel and gets naked. I’m not complaining, she’s European and they somehow look good no matter how far past 40 they hit… probably all that olive oil. After the brief glimpse of butts and boobs, some Croatian dude joins the professor and her guide and they head out to the spot where the murder happened. The Croatian dude is researching the blood-draining murder of a young woman which may have ties to the river-adjacent location of the witch murder and the professor is writing a book on the origins of a sect that performed blood sacrifices on women every Sunday. They get a flat and then get jumped by some dorks in that classic cloak-and-Spirit-Halloween-discount-mask combo. The two wake up tied to trees after getting their heads knocked around, Croatian Carl gets eviscerated and the professor gets force fed his guts and then has her throat slit… BUT IT’S ALL A DREAM! The professor (her name is Emma) wakes up in her hotel room and takes a shower (no nudity this time). A few hours later they head out to the site and sure-as-shit her premonition of a dream seems to be coming true with the addition of a Croatian man to their group. Emma stays in the car this time when they get a flat tire and she runs off when those cloaked wieners make their move. It only works to lengthen the time before she wakes up tied to a tree. This time they get knocked on the head… BUT IT’S ALL A DREAM! Oh no. This is not how to do a movie. Emma decides she needs to take a break and bows out of the little field trip with her guide and the journalist. She chills in her room and, sure as shit, ends up stabbed by one of those cloaked idiots… BUT IT’S ALL A… fuck it, I give up. The only comfort here is realizing Italy can do indie horror just as bad as we here in America. The acting is better and everyone is easier on the eyes but it’s just as annoying. Time says “fuck it!”, Emma tries her damndest to change whatever the hell is happening to her and the last act suddenly shifts into a supernatural revenge thriller. Okay, they still do it better than us but that’s expected. Just watch Groundhog Day, eat some lasagna and wonder why your Serbian friend, who is practically the same age as you and is a hardworking mother, looks ten times better than you at any given moment… it may be your Lasagna intake but it’s probably the olive oil.
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