⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Have you ever seen Armageddon? Of course you have, you’re well-versed in cinema. Now imagine if instead of running into human error and a tricky environment, our space miners woke up a hibernating monster that slaughtered them one by one. That would be a way better movie, right? Now here’s two other bits of fact about the flick that did what Armageddon was too chicken shit to do: (A) It came out two years before Armageddon so Michael Bay doesn’t even have one god damn excuse and (B) it stars Xander Berkeley and I’d take him over any jackass is Bay’s main cast (Sorry, Bruce. I love ya, but you’re only as good as the villains you go up against. That’s why nobody talks about Die Hard 2). Here, an alien moon is on a collision course with Earth which leads to Dr. Dana Shaw (Caroline Barclay) joining a team of specialized miners to attempt a course alteration. The greedy crew captain of the team is looking to get paid what he feels his team deserves (a fittingly surly, expectantly sleazy and wonderfully sarcastic Mr. Berkeley). Illegally collecting platinum whilst mining and a tight time table are pressure enough, but the release of a seemingly unstoppable alien creature makes everything a whole lot worse. When they blow a section of rock, they discover a secret chamber with what looks like the remains of a creature embedded in the cavern wall and a floor riddled with bones. More importantly for the captain are the walls covered in platinum paneling. Of course, those remains got a little life in them and atmospheric changes resurrects whatever the hell it is. It looks like the offspring of a crustacean-gargoyle who fucked a minotaur that was related to a cave troll. A likable cast of “Hey, oh. You! Where do I know you from?” celebrities and the budget-conscience spaceship sets that I’ve loved since the 1950s have me feeling nice and fuzzy in my tum-tum. It’s a B-movie creature feature just dropping about forty years later than expected and a little bloodier, that’s all good in my book.
No comments:
Post a Comment