⭐️⭐️⭐️
Little orphan Abby (I’m sorry) discovers the identity of her birth parents by inheriting their awesome estate in the middle of the woods. Foster sibling drama (frustrated sister and kindhearted private investigator brother) has Abby (a solid Kaitlyn Lunardi from The Hangman) working hard to not screw things up, hoping she can get a good nest egg going with a home sale and kick some of her more unhealthy habits. She’s also sensibly interested in knowing the history of her biological family. When you ain’t got anything but bad choices in your past, it’s much easier to talk yourself out of exiting strange situations. Unfriendly bar patrons have Abby thrown off from the outset but a friendly (and handsome) bartender gives her a lift to the property even though he’s getting the stink eye from everyone. That Kyle. He’s a good egg (and handsome) until he’s not (still handsome, just not on the inside). While exploring her new digs, which has sat empty for nearly two decades, she comes across a collection of videotapes and the camera that shot ‘em. Abby begins watching the home videos and session tapes (her mother was a shrink and the house was her home office) she’s come across and they paint a rather horrifying picture of what her parents went through and how something awful was unleashed into the house . Yet there’s a bit more to the story and it involves the camcorder that these events were captured on and the unsettling power that it holds. Supernatural spookiness slowly boils over as eerie images hit on screen and in Abby’s home while she digs deeper into the lives of her parents. Her handsome bartender shares the tragic past involving multiple bodies, suspected witchcraft and burning. There’s even a helpful news report to serve as a visual aid. Bonus! My dude Grant Schumacher (also from The Hangman and the under appreciated Dawn of the Beast) shows up as Abby’s papa so you can throw that in the plus column. Familiar faces from Dawn and director Bruce Wemple’s other work fill out the cast (sadly, no Anna Shields) and everyone knows what they’re doing, so I’m all for it. It’s an intriguing idea and, as ridiculous as an evil camera is, I’m for evil items doing evil things and evil secrets in gorgeous houses. It may lose its footing a little as it crosses the finish line but it’s still a fine time.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
The rural community of Vangsnes is the location of a fish farm where marine biologist Johanne is currently looking into some concerning claims about illegal activity disturbing the local waters. Of course it’s her old stomping grounds and of course she left for a reason. Supposedly environmentally safe sonic science (run by Johanne’s former flame Erik) is being used to ensure their salmon crop is pristine but a video of fish behaving suicidal seems to point to bullshit in the claims of the farm’s business head. Said possible sleazy businessman currently has some Japanese investors visiting the premises. So far. So 70s eco-terror. Strange things are definitely going on and the mostly eaten and bioluminescent-slime-covered corpses of two jet skiing teenagers have folks looking at the fjord and its deepest depths as a cause for concern. You better fuckin’ believe it is. There’s something colossal and downright mythical calling the deep waters home and it’s beginning to make its giant presence felt. Damn greed and science never mix and together they have managed to poke a very dangerous bear… well, cephalopod but that’s not the old saying. Throw in some frustrated youthful activists with good intentions but flawed logic (not to mention one of them being the little girl Johanne use to babysit and daughter of the fish farm owner) and an officer of the law in way over her head and you’re right in my comfort zone from a few decades earlier. It’s also gorgeous on the eyes when iffy digital effects aren’t obscuring the view. Massive tentacles and huge parasites bring most of the monster action and working with a digital menace is always kind of silly but I’ve spent worse times in the water. Lame but my kind of lame. Don’t think Jaws, think Jaws 3-D with a giant fucking cephalopod. If that sounds like your cup of tea, we just became best friends.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
There's something so damn beautiful about a rip-off handled through the hands of another culture. Although, I would say "rip-off" may be too strong of a term. You see, this Indian flick has the lifeblood of Child's Play running through its veins but somewhere a blood transfusion was necessary and it just mutated into its own damn thing. Luckily there's enough plagiarism at work to make this un-subtitled two-hour trek a little bit recognizable. Sadly I'm not sure just how much love they were expressing in the various musical bits, but I'm just gonna assume it was a buttload. A goofy-ass looking mobster and his goofy-ass looking hunchbacked sidekick pay a visit to a black arts practicing tantrik. It would seem the crime boss, Vinchu, wants to learn a mantra which will allow him to transfer his soul from body to body, thus enabling him to live on forever. I know... this all sounds very familiar. The tantrik, Baba, is easily bullied and teaches him the words he must say to accomplish his goal of immortality. It turns out Vinchu is lucky to have learned what he did because soon after his meeting with Baba, a badass inspector leads a charge on his warehouse where he gets into whatever it is creepy crime bosses get into. He and his hunchbacked pal flee. They don't get far. Inspector badass manages to beat the crap out of old hunchback and he gets a few well placed shots at Vinchu. Realizing the end is near, Vinchu grabs the closest thing to him and performs the mantra. The closest thing to him is a large dole that is somehow concurrently the goofiest thing to ever grace the screen and a throughly disturbing visualization of nightmare fuel. So we've pretty much been in pure Child's Play territory for the opening, what with the story being the exact same thing and everyone looking like an off brand version of their inspiration, but that's all about to change. Instead of a desperate momma looking for her son's dream present we have a desperate ventriloquist looking like he hasn't missed a meal. Cheap-o Chucky gets in the shrill-voiced buffoon’s hands and immediately let's him in on his secret. Seeing an easy source of money, our hero is excited at first for his new horrific buddy but soon comes to learn that this dummy ain't no saint. There's a murder committed by the maniacal muppet and the ventriloquist, Lakshya, is blamed. Admittedly, there would be something wrong with you if you believed a grown man's claims that his new doll was running around, getting into trouble. So everyone pretty much assumes Lakshya has lost his god damn mind which makes it a little easier for Vinchu to attempt to transfer his soul into India's answer to Jeff Dunham. This being a flick from India there is a shit-ton more going on than just the adventures of a walking dummy. Inspector badass is also around, falling in love with his chief's daughter. Lakshya has a girlfriend who he's getting into goofy shit with and his long suffering sister (mother?) is putting up with almost too much. And in the background the whole time is a delightfully cheap looking doll (brought to life by less than special effects) running around and shouting dialogue in an echoey voice. Inspector badass with the cool kung fu moves eventually comes around to believing his thought-to-be-dead enemy is inhabiting the body of the doll. This brings them back to Baba for help and it all leads to a climactic rooftop battle between two men and the ugly-ass doll. You'll need more patience than usual when it comes to this one. The comedy is persistent and more annoying than anything. There's a good amount of musical bits which you'll either see as an interruption or a blessing (I've always loved 'em). I surely felt the slog but I was so damn in love with the bat-shit insanity of a low-rent Chucky that the boredom was easily forgiven.
aka Vanished
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
The entire population of Friar, New Hampshire took to a mountain trail and journeyed into the wilderness one day in 1940. Some were found dead but most just vanished forever and the lone survivor was left a rambling mess. Decades later, an expedition is setting out on the infamous trail to figure out just what the hell happened. Headed by a husband and wife team of authors and their professor/behavioral psychologist friend, they take a small team with them into the mysterious area of New England. Arriving in the town they find no luck in tracking down the trail head until a townie offers to help them, as long as she can come along. The group soon comes to realize that the unsettling history is far beyond their realm of comprehension and a horrific mix of madness and violence is in their near future. Is it a group hallucination? A malevolent force? Some strange dimensional time loop? You’re never going to find out but that’s fine by me. It’s a hell of a ride and the ending is suitably vague and true to what has come before. Disorienting, slightly disturbing and completely refreshing, YellowBrickRoad is a lovely piece of nightmare cinema.
aka Curse of the Mayans
⭐️⭐️⭐️
After a portion of the Mayan codices is discovered during construction beneath a convent, American archaeologist Dr. Alan Green enlists the aid of Danielle Noble and her team of expert cave divers to help him explore underground and discover a long-lost location of ancient Mayan records. Instead of a library of forgotten history, the group discovers trouble in the underwater caves of Xibalba. Ms. Noble has a tragedy in her past which has made her swear off underwater exploration but a gigantic payday for she and her team has her going against her better judgement. The initial excitement of their discovery turns to terror when bizarre shit starts happening and the revelation of the actual horror the Mayans faced comes to the forefront… reptilian-aliens/demons, of course. Alien tech and human possession all come into play. Surprisingly likable characters and beautiful location filming bring this one far above the low expectations coming in. Quick flashes of toothy monsters work to help you ignore some silliness and dragging but all in all it’s a blast with an ending that relies a bit too much on exposition and is laughably ridiculous.
aka Twisted
⭐️⭐️
Wesley Jones escapes from prison 15 years after gunning down his drug-addict mother and her abusive boyfriend. His younger brother actually did it but that’s kind of a spoiler to just point out right here at the beginning of the review. Oh well. While this is going on, a young woman is being pursued by a rapist with a big knife. She flees into a scrapyard and just as her would-be-assaulter finds her, somebody bashes his head in. Hit them credits! Wow. These credits are still going. Nope. They just don’t stop. Hey! Alright. Here’s the movie. Inept cops talk about the escaped killer and a newly engaged couple work on a car (there’s a dipstick proposal) and are visited by another couple (hey, it’s Aaron Paul!). Mr. Fiancé (Jared, if you’re at all interested) races some douche in a sports car and his car dies when he blows a gasket. They’re stranded without any phone reception so they decide to wander over to a nearby junkyard and get what they need to fix the car. Aaron Paul’s girlfriend is pregnant and kinda sucks but Aaron Paul is also pretty awful at being a human so good for them… they’ll be horrible parents. Aaron Paul starts firing his gun because he sucks and a ricochet hits the newly engaged Kate. Jared heads off to make the four mile trek into town and get his lady some help. He has flashbacks to the proposal while he runs… it’s hilarious. He makes it to the cops and he and the sheriff head off to the junkyard with an EMT who may have once been a porn star, a doctor who I know I’ve seen in other things and a deputy who was definitely not a porn star but does have a creepy mustache. They find nobody when they arrive. They search the grounds and the strung up corpse of the pregnant woman tips them off that something bad is going on. They search on and after a dog attack, the cops and Jared find an injured Aaron Paul. He lets them know some dude attacked them out of nowhere and grabbed Kate. At this point Scoot fuckin’ McNairy shows up as the owner’s bumpkin nephew, responding to an alarm at the junkyard. If you like lazy hick “comedy” performed by an actor who is way better than this shit deserves, you should strap on in because you’ll be in heaven. A dude in a welding mask starts picking off everyone. They lose a couple folks but Aaron Paul and Kate get found and sent to the hospital. The escaped prisoner brings Kate to the siren noise after discovering her on the side of the road. He gives some bullshit story about just passing through town and ends up stabbed to death with his own knife when he runs and gets caught by Jared. They think it’s all wrapped up but we know better than that. It’s the lame slasher hijinks the release date would have you expect but the cast is better than it should be and it feels like the team behind it had a better idea of how to handle a budget.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
An online scammer gains access to a target’s webcam after growing a bit of an obsession with her when she opens up and personalizes herself to him. As he creepily embeds himself as a silent witness to her life, utilizing every camera hooked up to her computer, he begins to notice something unsettling is going on in her home… and not just the fact that he’s mentally disturbed and stalking this poor woman. They converse and Ruth lets on that she thinks her home is haunted, even emailing this stranger on the phone some terrifying video proof. Wrapped up in the intrigue, he lets her know that he has access to her cameras and has even seen something strange himself. From there, things swiftly spiral into nightmare territory and the likelihood of anything close to a happy ending for either person drops to near zero. It’s a two-person show for the most part and luckily for us director/writer Isaac Rodriguez (Last Radio Call and Deadware) has found two people who are good at their jobs. Rahul Chakraborty is excellent as the troubled conman, juggling a role that’s sad, pathetic and disturbing with ease. On the other end of the leash, Mandy Lee Rubio is solid as the woman who is wrapped up in more than one bit of awfulness through no fault of her own and brings the perfect level of sympathy and likability to someone who may be a little too trusting but still doesn’t come off as a fool. It will make sense of some plot holes by the time the credits hit. It loses steam as it winds down and gets a little too silly for its own good but the trip getting there works pretty damn well and it may not be the climax we wanted, but it’s the climax we deserve.
