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In the 22nd century on the giant (and familiar-looking) space station Minos, Dr. Paul Merchant works in seclusion as he attempts to right the wrongs his family has unleashed on the world. Ya see, centuries earlier his ancestor was the one who created the Lament Configuration Box which allowed the Cenobites entry into our world. The doctor is now attempting to seal this gateway for good and trap the vicious Cenobites but, as we’re all well aware, those bdsm bastards don’t go down without a fight. His research is halted when a team of soldiers arrive because companies never like it when their ship’s architect takes over the damn thing and sends everyone home. Unfortunately, he has just managed to open the puzzle box and now the soldiers are pretty much fucked until they let the doctor finish his work. While imprisoned he shares his family history to prove why they need to let him conclude what he was attempting when they arrived. We jump back to the creation of the box by a toy maker in 18th century France commissioned by a sleazy, black-magic-obsessed nobleman, Duc de L’lsle. Said nobleman uses the puzzle box in a vicious ritual to summon forth something from Hell which inhabits the peeled skin of a prostitute (maybe just a street urchin) he and his servant Jacques (Adam Scott, years away from Parks and Recreation and Hokum) just murdered. The toy maker manages to see this ritual and feels the responsibility to fix things. The nobleman names the summoned demon Angelique and claims her as his property. The naive young man breaks into the mansion to steal the box back and discovers a dead nobleman and Jacques getting it on with Angelique. Adam Scott lets the toy maker know his bloodline is cursed and then orders Angelique to get rid of him. His worried wife arrives to find her husband in bad shape and he warns her to flee for her life and the life of their unborn child. We then jump to 1996 when Angelique shows up in the dreams of architect John Merchant, causing mental stress on him and his wife. Ya see, she’s been attempting to use his bloodline to create a box that can permanently allow her breed of evil into the world. She decides to journey to America to meet John but a still-living Jacques won’t allow it so… well, that’s a wrap on Adam Scott. She arrives and gets to work calling forth Pinhead to discuss some plans involving the architect and the creation of what they need to unleash Hell on Earth…. and I ain’t talking about Part III. There’s some new lame-ass Cenobites created (really should have brought back the CD tossing dope but we do get a Chatterer doggy, which I’m all for… listen, you already know I’m an idiot) while Angelique (apparently a princess in Hell) seduces John and Pinhead uses other, worse methods to allow evil’s spread. I always found this entry incredibly fun as it jumps through centuries tracking the exploits of the family forever interlaced with Pinhead and his clan but it does cause pacing issues and if you find yourself emotionally invested in any of the characters outside of their attractiveness it is through not effort on the part of the filmmakers. The cast is lead by a derpy protagonist which helps nothing but Valentina Vargas brings the right level of succubus to her role as Angelique and Doug Bradley is his usual solid ass. The space setting was set up to be an interesting aspect to the film but after setting up the intriguing idea of the guilty man looking to fix the horrible mistake of his ancestor far away from people who could be hurt, it kinda gets tossed aside to fill a bodycount provided by soldiers who I couldn’t name at gunpoint and most of the movie takes place in the 90s (where the actual film was supposed to conclude). Oh well, gotta have a bodycount I suppose. Director Kevin Yagher disowned the theatrical cut of the film and kicked the credit over to the pseudonym Alan Smithee to distance himself from the final product which had plenty of nervous producers altering the structure and adding the space wraparound. Again, I love me some 80’s icons in space (I already told you I’m an idiot) wbut Miramax can still go fuck themselves.
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