Hey! It’s Dario Argento and he’s doing stuff. The last time he did stuff was a decade ago and it involved Count Dracula transforming into a giant praying mantis… I should rewatch Dracula 3D because that is honestly the only thing I remember about that movie. Anyways, Dario is back and he’s brought his daughter with him. Asia Argento has been in things, she was in Land of the Dead but that may have been Michelle Rodriguez, I’m not going to double check because I’d rather be fisted by an un-manicured polar bear than even think of that piece of crap again and I’m also lazy. So what’s Dario unleashing on the world now that he’s gotten the praying-mantis-vampires out of his system? Well, he’s going a bit standard. Following a solar eclipse, a killer is garroting prostitutes in Italy. One high-end escort, by the name of Diana, manages to escape him but unfortunately is blinded in a car accident during her flight. This accident takes more than her vision, it also claims the life of a young Chinese boy’s father. Fortunately for the youth, he was safe from any harm (physical, I guess… I’m sure mentally there’s gonna be a few years of night terrors and adult bed wetting) in the back seat. Diana wakes up in a clinic with a slim chance of ever regaining her vision. The little boy has no chance of regaining his dad. Diana goes home and soon meets Rita, an instructor sent her way from The Association of the Blind and Visually Impaired played by Asia Argento who is aging like a fine wine. Diana adjusts to her new situation and gets herself a badass guide dog named Nerea. Diana also takes an interest in the 7-year-old boy she kinda orphaned (his mom is in a coma but she probably won’t be waking up) and he runs away from the orphanage to wait with her for his mom to get better so he can avoid going into the foster system. It’s a smart move. They bond and the masked madman begins stalking the prey that got away. Detectives investigate but you know it’s gonna be up to our hero and her child sidekick, Chin, to put a stop to the horrors. Black gloves, red blood, a thumping score and a few well-composed visuals mingle with shaky acting, “interesting” character choices and even more “interesting” plot points (friggin’ water snakes, man) but that’s nothing new for this flavor of cheese. It’s kinda lame but after whatever the hell Dracula 3D was, I think I’m ok with lame. I like Asia Argento, I ran into her once at a hotel bar and she was really personable and talkative once she realized I just wanted to drink and talk about POGS… although, it may have been Michelle Rodriguez.
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