Mystery Box: The Amber Green Story (2023) (USA)

⭐️1/2

After watching some “mystery box” videos (in which YouTubers order boxes containing unknown shit from various shady folks on the Dark Web), Amber decides to get in on the “fun”. Whereas most of these dinks deal with other people’s garbage or some dumbfuckery made to come off as sinister, Amber’s box (stop sniggering) contains something rather insidious (I said stop sniggering!). She’s from Florida so I get the inability to discern good ideas from bad ones. She films her experience. A note on the side of the box warns that a Dybbuk is contained within and now its Amber’s problem. She doesn’t open it right away as she tries to get some answers from the seller who is way more chatty than anyone ever selling shit on the Dark Web. The box causes lights to flicker and an EMF detector to go nuts when placed in its vicinity. While she’s questioning the box using one of those annoying ghost hunting tools that picks up “answers” in radio signals and static, I can’t help but notice how comfy her couch looks. Man, I wanna nap on that thing while watching Gotham or something else I can nod off to. Amber finally opens the damn thing and it seems Amber’s box is filled with a pungent odor and an unsettling amount of heat (Damnit! Stop sniggering!). The EMF detector stops working but she keeps going and discovers the contents are a soiled tarp containing a dried flower, an old piece of paper with strange writing on it and a locket of hair. All of it smells. She really should have used gloves while going through it. Strange noises lead her back to the living room where she finds everything packed back into the box. Proud of that Jewish dark spirit for cleaning up after itself. Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you need to be a slob. More spookiness and boredom which one would expect to find in YouTube ghost videos plays out as Amber just can’t seem to wrap her head around the fact she’s sinking in very dark waters. The inevitable possession is a nice and cost efficient way to show your supernatural presence, it also helps that you can just end things with “main character posted last video and moved out, we don’t know how she’s doing.” Fuck it. “Brennan Dortch moved on from this nothing film immediately after watching it. He has already forgotten the name of the protagonist and it’s in the fucking title. There’s been no word on his current mental state.”