⭐️⭐️⭐️
Vikings and Utah go together like beer and jazz cigarettes. Which is to say; I have no foundation of experience to make such a statement. I simply have seen Berserker and must trust in its message. Elderly youths rent a cabin in the Utah woods and, as any vacation in Utah goes, death soon follows. It would seem a bear is knocking off dopes in the forest, which would have been scary. Bears, although looking like giant cuddle beasts, can be right brutal bastards. Instead, we get a toned young man in bear cosplay for a very homoerotic themed convention… which is hilarious. Josh is the ringleader of the group and he’s brought his friends to camp out in the area he has many fond memories of. Bookworm Larry (reminding me more than a little of Squeak “Little Bitch” Scolari from Baseketball) becomes fascinated by the local history of an early Viking settlement and more importantly, the legendary curse of the Berserker. It’s this thing where Viking warriors would allow themselves to become possessed with a primal rage and use said possession to frenzy their enemies into an early grave. The cost was, that even in death, those possessed by the Berserker would never rest because the rage would remain and go on to possess the family line. Elderly couple Homer and Edna wander the area and talk about how much they love each other, so enraptured with the good ol’ days and their century of love, night falls and something murders the hell out of them. The kind of murder where you scream at the camera while blood covers your face and a bear runs off into the fog. Then we meet our heroes, one of them looks like Linda Hamilton… actually, two of them look like Linda Hamilton and Josh partakes in the American pastime of drinking whilst driving. Josh’s girlfriend does not look like Linda Hamilton and also doesn’t seem to want to be there. Maybe it has to do with her boy-toy’s penchant for downing Miller Lites whilst driving and jamming out to butt-rock. The local law is pretty laid back and warns the “kids” that it’s dangerous out in the woods. This warning comes after he lets Josh off with an apology for littering. They also run into Pappy on their way in. Pappy is played by George “Buck” Flower with a Norwegian accent… so he’s obviously my favorite character. He and Josh’s family go way back according to our idiot hero but he claims he doesn’t know Josh and won’t give them a campsite because they don’t have a reservation. Josh flips the fuck out. His level-headed buddy Mike sweet talks Pappy and they get a place to camp. Pappy warns them not to litter (be a damn shame of Josh were forced to apologize again) and to be careful of the wild animals. That’s all good advice when it comes to the woods and possibly Utah. The Linda Hamiltons explore, beer is drunk, beer is playfully sprayed on the bare chests of shirtless buddies, a three-wheeler is used (Josh “impresses” with some trick driving), water is splashed and it’s all set to a song that I assume is called Cool Dude because those words are said at least seventy times. Larry reads aloud about the Berserkers around the campfire as wind sound effects play over the completely still fire and foliage. A common phenomenon amongst the Utah wind, at least I assume as much. Anyways, Josh has anger issues, Pappy and the police officer who looks like a Hal Holbrook knockoff play chess, Larry sleeps in his cutoffs, the elderly corpses are discovered and the non Linda Hamilton chick gets mauled first (cementing my belief that it’s always better to be Linda Hamilton). By the time day comes around there will be only one couple still intact, one Linda Hamilton standing, one pair of cutoffs soaking wet and one daylight sighting of the bdsm bear-man. It’s a leisure slasher film that at least takes a different angle when it comes to its death-bringer but doesn’t change much up outside of that. This movie also has multiple Linda Hamiltons, a large fog budget and a killer versus bear battle that’s pretty pathetic. I wish we got to see Jason Voorhees fight just one bear… even if it was pathetic. I like a good leisure slasher, especially with characters who have something of a personality even if it’s just because they look like famous people. I’ve never been to Utah because Mormons scare me and now I have buff gay dudes in cheap bear costumes on my mind… it may be worth it to brave the Mormons.
No comments:
Post a Comment