The Amityville Theater (2015) (Canada)

aka Amityville Playhouse

⭐️

High schooler Fawn Harriman inherits a rundown theater in the town of Amityville, following the tragic death of her parents. Her dead folks had plans to get rid of it but she’s hesitant to sell without looking it over. She and a couple friends spend the weekend there, surveying the building that just fell into the young girl’s lap. Fawn’s teacher begins researching the property and discovers a disturbing link to Amityville’s dark past while Fawn and the annoying dopes she calls friends begin to encounter the supernatural. They also run into a homeless goth chick who is crashing in the theater and claiming squatter’s rights. She lets them know that weird shit is going down in the place all the time. She’s also kind of a bitch and does not look anywhere near homeless. Unless makeup and a Hot Topic dress code are now how homeless folks dress. I don’t get out much, so this may be the case. The gaggle of goofs decide to order a pizza and discover none of their phones work. When they try to get outside for better reception, they’re frustrated to find themselves sealed in the place. Remember, Ron DeFeo blamed demonic voices as the cause of his family murdering and those demonic influences seem to be back when it comes to one of the dinks. A major idiot amongst them just so happened to bring a Ouija board which they use to get some answers about what the hell is going on. Emoting is not a strong point for any of these people, so as panic sets in, things get pretty hilarious. The teacher’s investigation appears to be happening in real time and it’s about as exciting as watching a high school teacher read up on an old building. After about 400 hours, the minimal spookiness increases from a 1 to maybe a 3.5 and the youthful idiots start meeting their maker. There’s also a conspiracy in the town concerning the primitive evil that was unleashed unto the community during the settlement of the place. One of guys insists on calling people “butt head” for some reason. Sick burn, dude. It may not be the most boring of the Amityville films but it’s definitely up there. As a further insult, this damn thing runs just over 100 minutes. I take it back, this may be the most boring Amityville flick.