The least convincing flashback to the 1920s I have ever witnessed starts things off with questionable green screen and a dancing bimbo (are any of us shocked it’s Debbie D?) on a boat as we get a look at a themed party I would probably hang myself before attending. The party ends in flashing lights, violence, jaw-droppingly lame vampire (maybe alien) stupidity and a sunken boat… but hey, a lot of filmmakers knowing they had no budget for it would have just had some town historian drop it in an awkwardly delivered exposition. So… respect? We then hit the present, or as present as 2007 is, and join in on some scuba diving action that I probably can’t legally associate with the word “action”. This scene would have been better explained through dialogue. A leak of toxic materials has a coastal town’s nuclear power plant under investigation, the depleted fish population also have the concerned eyes looking the way of the power plant and the power plant just wants all this bullshit to go away. Two scuba divers go missing while investigating the shipwreck from the 20s (that’s the scene which really could have just been a news report) and that brings a dive team contracted with the power plant in to see if they can recover the bodies. They don’t want the police involved because there’s a good chance there’s fault on the plant’s part thanks to a spill and if the authorities look into the area, then the shady power company will have to answer for cutting corners. Okay, movie. Calm down. Take a breath. Underwater vampire (alien possessed?) Debbie D (who we fell in love with from her performances in Jacker and Burglar from Hell) shows up and I realize it’s only been about thirty minutes since we last saw her. It just felt like an eternity. Now, is it because how much this movie drags its ass or is it because I prefer my Debbie D to be a constant on my screen? The latter may be true but I feel the former is at fault here. Underwater scuba operating procedures are very important but as a viewing experience in real time, it numbs the ass. Debbie D attacks one of the divers (big dude called Cujo) and he hallucinates about jellyfish and underwater ladies before being resuscitated. He’s been bit and now the vampire (alien?) plague is festering within him. Reporter Megan Flowers (Pamela Sutch who we have seen in Swamp Zombies!!! and Backwoods Marcy) shows up because there’s a juicy story brewing but she has a hard time getting anyone to talk. The power plant stooge fucks things up by being an asshole, radiation poisoning or maybe vampirism starts hitting the locals, a couple teen girls and the reporter end up in a cheapjack medical facility, the instructor teams up with the reporter to get to the bottom of things, telepathic links are mentioned, rubber boobs are displayed, a bald cap gets wet and everything feels like it’s moving through unyielding molasses while struggling to use its last brain cell. I can fuck with ineptitude as much as any other trash film lover but when it’s running on barely any pulse, it’s a chore instead of a backyard delight. I’m happy Dave Castiglione was proud of his underwater cameras, I just wish he didn’t decide to share this with us.
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