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Saturday, June 20, 2026

Crypsis (2019) (USA)

⭐️⭐️


Six buddies make a bet involving a remote island and the infamous creature that supposedly calls the place home. A chunk of money and bragging rights goes to the team that can capture footage of some bullshit dares on a list. Bonus if they manage to capture footage of the mysterious monster that has yet to be verified by modern science… at least, I assume that would be a nice, big bonus. An opening slaughter lets us know that whatever the hell it is ain’t some friendly throwback just looking to exist in tranquility with the woodlands. This opening stretch also lets us know that there’s plenty of history about the place and the thing roaming around. There’s also people very interested in the island dweller. So, we join our gaggle of idiots accepting the bet in a bar and heading to the off-limits island at the behest of the jerk who came up with the idea. He also takes their cellphones because I guess being an idiot goes along with being super obnoxious. That goes for all of them. The five dinks left on the island fight amongst themselves making us, the viewer at home, apathetic to their plight and begging for the monster to start picking the dudes off. Not a great way to start things. Unsettling sounds prove that some trepidations were correct amongst the group. The creature shockingly does not waste much time revealing itself to the gaggle of buttholes trespassing on its land, unfortunately it stays mostly offscreen until after the thirty minute mark. It’s a dude in a costume that looks like something that would have been featured on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I dig that. Monster POV is featured and the group’s biggest pud survives way longer than his ass should. TURN OFF THE FUCKING LIGHT, JOSH! This would have been a a semi-entertaining treat of a simple monster flick if it had a likable cast but unfortunately it does not and it sort of just sinks itself thanks to characters you don’t give a shit about or are actively rooting against. I’m all for bros getting eaten by something that looks like the offspring of Gollum and a crawler from The Descent, it’s just hard to spend all your time with nothing but bros.

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