A night in a haunted house will lead to early graduation for a batch of parapsych PhD students. All they have to do is record and collect evidence… and live to see the morning, of course. Sounds like a simple and fine time as we watch some sexy college kids die by supernatural means in the infamous Sugarland House. It could have been, but as soon as I saw “itn distribution” when I started it up I got a little nervous. Let’s just say their track record may speak for itself, but it’s in the voice of an idiot who just got bludgeoned with a hammer and can no longer piece together the already incoherent thoughts pouring from his mouth like diarrhea born of a two-week-old chicken quesadilla you found laying on a space heater at your former roommate’s place. Sorry. Where was I? Itn Distribution often leads to revelries of the past as I look for any excuse to avoid what’s playing on screen. The course professor is alerted to the availability of the house by a university head who is obviously up to no good. She’s excited for the opportunity, her semi-elderly students are a mostly annoying batch who (I think) are trying to be charming but just coming off as the kind of folks I would not have taken the time to get friendly with. So, this batch is going to the house instead of completing their dissertation (which, yeah, I’d go for that) with the risk beyond being locked in a haunted house is if you leave before the allotted time, you’re dropped from the class and pretty much fucked. But I guess no future with a chance of finding a different path is better than no future because you’re fucking dead. After some debate amongst each other and minor quibbling to awkwardly build characters, our victims are sorted. I wonder if that rascal student with the rad attitude who is also the estranged cousin of the professor is going to make it till the end. It’s also mentioned by her cousin that she better remember to take her pills so she doesn’t hurt anyone again. Hmmmmm. The caretaker (with his snappy dress vest, bowtie and power-beard) welcomes the students by appearing from behind a tree and swiftly motioning them in. He’s my favorite. He shares the history of his history with the place in his boisterous Jamaican style and I fall deeper in love with him. He warns them to be on their best behavior and collects the names of all the students from the delightfully fey Mr. Jarvis (who is my favorite student). There’s plenty of space and food on hand but cellphone reception is trash, the place was built long before that was a concern. The caretaker makes his exit and my heart feels heavy, probably as heavy as the “kids” because he warns that he has to get the hell out before night falls. Jarvis decides to scoot as well before there’s no turning back and at about forty minutes, I’ve lost both characters I had built any kinship with. That’s also forty minutes of dick-all happening but now that the team is stuck, looks like shit will pick up. Right? Wrong! There’s still a chance for “comedy” before anything of interest happens. And when the “comedy” is done, there’s still poorly-performed melodrama too! Wow! Itn, my cup runneth over. The hungry Asian woman dies whilst eating and hysteria (that feels more like slight discomfort due to moderately bad gas) sweeps through the group. Sadness follows and boredom is close behind. Child voices creep folks out, the cousin with attitude grows more annoying, disfigured ghost kids finally show up and they’re adorably goofy and resemble something you would see in a cutscene during an episode of Ghost Adventures. They mercifully get rid of that annoying chick first… these little ugly bastards are doing great work! The early stretch is one hell of an endurance test and it runs almost an hour but once those ghostly goobers show up, things get a little better. Its cheap ridiculousness is exactly what was needed but it still drags on way longer than necessary. A terribly-paced mess with a few trashy gems hidden in it and an ending that may hold the title of “Wait, what? This is dumb as fuck.” That’s a plus in my book. It’s like an Andy Milligan film without the scummy aesthetic which is problematic when it comes to entertainment value but those goofy ghost kids make their time on camera must-see garbage.
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