Ghost Ship (2002) (USA/Australia)

aka Chimera

⭐️⭐️1/2

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a surly salvage crew got their hands on a long-thought missing and definitely haunted 1960’s Italian ocean liner? I sure have but I’m strange and have a bunch of free time on my hands. What’s your excuse? Back in the early sixties, the extravagant cruise ship Antonia Graza hits some trouble when one hell of a violent set piece ends up dismembering a shit-ton of guests and crew. Mass death and splatter is not easily forgotten and has stayed burnt into my brain since seeing this bad boy in theaters more than two decades ago. Needless to say, all that trauma left more than just a blood stain and the troubled spirits still reside aboard the ship forty years on. Bad news for a salvage crew who are pointed in the direction of the ship by a pilot, who has found it adrift in the Bering Strait. Seeing one hell of a pay day, any concern is buried deep down and the small team decide they can’t pass up the opportunity, even letting the pilot come along for a reduced finder’s fee. Not a great call on their part. The rusted hunk is full of spirits but this ain’t just phantom footsteps and slamming doors, these specters are homicidal and manipulative to boot. Poor decisions pile up and the bodies follow close behind as some apparitions get downright nasty. It’s gonna be up to the surviving salvagers (and a helpful ghost girl) to pull their asses out of the fire and realize that millions of dollars ain’t worth much of anything if you’re fucking dead. There’s also a decades-old secret to uncover, crates full of stolen gold bars that tie into everything and trapped spirits because some evil entity called The Ferryman needs souls. A stellar cast of “Hey! They’re in this?! Fuck yeah!” helps carry along the iffy plot… I mean, Julianna Margulies, Gabriel Byrne, Ron Eldard, Isaiah Washington and especially Karl Urban could come into my house, eat my food, clog my toilet and slap me around a bit and I’d still thank them. The problem is, the script doesn’t care anywhere near as much about utilizing these actors as I do. Which is fine. I guess the haunted ship is the most important thing anyways… which is also a problem when your script takes its time getting to the point. Luckily, the abandoned liner set is pretty cool and the cast is more than capable even if not given a whole bunch to work with. It’s a shame that the best part of the damn thing is the buildup as the reveal ain’t all that great. The last-act flashback makes ya wish we spent more time in the 60s dealing with a far more interesting film (all set to music that sounds like something that would be playing in a church group’s presentation of a BDSM club because they could afford the rights to anything by Nine Inch Nails). In the right mood, you could add an extra half-star to the rating.