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I assume that some time after the millennium came and went my lord and savior Bruno Mattei finally sat down to watch Predator and said to himself: “That was good but aliens are overrated. What if we did it with cannibals? That’s much cheaper.” Luckily, filming in the Philippines was in his price rang (especially if on video) so it leaves plenty of funds to stock up on Army surplus items and cheap local labor. Bingo bongo! Predator but with cannibals! A team of commandos head deep into the Amazon to rescue a general’s daughter who has vanished during an expedition. Our heroes arrive to much fanfare (on the soundtrack) looking like they just got off the set of a mostly gay porno. Their guide warns them about a dangerous tribe that remains elusive and eats the flesh of trespassers who they consider demons. The guide has one of the tribe he kind of keeps as a pet and uses him to track the tribe. After much marching accompanied by stock footage and truly horrendous dialogue a less threatening tribe (or maybe the actual tribe, they seemed pretty damn easy to find) attacks. Realizing bullets are dangerous and they run back into the rainforest after sinking a poison dart in one of the derps. This has the guide putting a bullet in his head as an act of mercy. This also leads to a God-awful rip-off of Mac’s eulogy for Blain. Get used to scenes from Predator just done with none of the talent and way less money. Everyone manages to not break into fits of laughter during every scene and that’s somewhat impressive considering that most of the “natives” speak by screaming while flailing around like goobers. They make peace through the gifting of a knife and carry on with their dangerous trek. Skinned corpses, familiar music and idiocy joins them on their journey deeper into the jungle. Another tribe is befriended with the assistance of enemy slaughtering and then nude swimming with the tribe’s children. It’s… concerning. They’re shown the corpses of the missing expedition but the general’s daughter is not among them. That night it’s revealed that she has been made into the tribal love goddess which makes her rescue a very risky scenario for our team of dumb-as-dirt soldiers. After a daring fire and bullets extraction, the hunt is on as the natives don’t plan on taking the theft of their blonde love goddess lying down. Do Filipinos look like South Americans? No, but neither do Italians slathered in bronzer so who am I to complain? Is the film too stupid to be racist? No, you’ll still cringe but it’s embarrassing for everyone so maybe we just laugh at the intentions of every soul behind this film. Maybe the dumbest thing I’ve seen and that’s saying something. There’s a whole bunch of walking but the the half-ass’d Predator scenes are wonderfully daft and the performances are somewhere right in that sweet spot of heartwarmingly baffling awfulness. Love and miss you, Bruno. “Where we’re going, you’ll be so goddamn hot… you’ll be drinking your own piss, soldier!” Ok. Is that something people do? I mean, not just the piss fans.
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