A documentary crew is invited to a historic Long Island manor by the enigmatic proprietor of a local funeral parlor named Vincent Miller. He claims the place has deep ties to the Civil War and will help to shed some light on the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. The pre-credits murder of a grieving widow lets us know he’s evil as fuck and harnessing some supernatural powers… we learn pretty quickly that he’s a vampire. The smoky-voiced head of the crew, Christina, and her small team set up in the large manor house and are greeted by Miller’s elderly housekeeper who has the acting prowess of driftwood. Thankfully, she’s given a bunch of dialogue. A squiggly black mass of lines starts “evil-talking” to the crew and floating around the place. Vincent requests nobody disturb the basement or his mortician and he also plays the organ after dinner so he’s obviously a real weirdo. Crew members Cosmo and Lexy are actually looking into the case of a missing woman behind the back of Christina. Civil War soldiers with skeleton faces appear and put a bayonet to good use on the sole African American member of the crew… yikes. Vincent proves a tough interview, not because he’s refusing to get in depth on his family history but because technical issues are making it hard to catch his image and voice on camera... which is incredibly frustrating considering he admits that his grandpa was behind the Lincoln assassination and is now the owner of a shit-ton of confederate gold. Other ghosts appear, horrible visions are had, more of the crew die… becoming ghosts themselves, there’s vampires in the basement, there’s also a mad surgeon who moves around like a crackhead evading a debt collector, a young girl may have the worst scream in horror history and Mr. Allen watches from the shadows lookin’ like he’s suffering from severe constipation. A ghost on one of those stair-lift chairs elicited a much-needed belly laugh from me and hopefully does the same for you. A really cute deaf girl out-acts everyone (she’s not a great actor, it’s just an incredibly easy feat) and some silly spookers hang around the house to make it more than a complete waste. Did I expect more from the director behind Big Freaking Rat and The Amityville Moon? Of course I didn’t, you idiot. I may have missed it because the thing did not hold my undivided attention but I don’t think any reference to the Amityville house or town was made.
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